It’s so good to see someone speaking some genuine from-the-heart truth up in this bitch. Stuttering fucking blows. It’s undeniable. I don’t want to come across like some kind of asshole here, but the super-positive, over-achieving types in the group don’t only offer inspiration to the rest of us… Often their declarations concerning their latest achievement, or even simply stating the fact they’re employed in a job that no one would ever expect a stutterer could even perform on the daily, doesn’t always inspire. Too often, it crushes what little hope some of us have left. I mean, at least when fluent people excel in their field, we can rationalize, based on the fact they have a leg up. But when someone on your level, with the same limitations seems to blow by you… You start to realize it isn’t just the stutter, it’s you. You’re defective… and not because you stutter. I do take some solace in the fact that this is the internet. A place where keeping it real is anything but mandatory, let alone enforceable. Therefore, as most folks normally exaggerate in the direction of the positive, and many straight-up fabricate, and downright lie, I wonder… I wonder just how many forty-eight year-old guys are out there who pushed themselves to meet the societal threshold of “normal” for a quarter-century, only to finally reach the conclusion that, at least for those of us who stutter, success cannot be defined in the same terms as it is for those who live lives of fluency. The majority of stutterers will never achieve the goals they dreamed of as a child, due to those dreams taking shape at an age where we were still unaware of just how monstrous our disability can be. I believe that a successful life for a stutterer should be measured in terms of stress levels, physical exhaustion, and self-worth. Things such as controlling our anxiety, and keeping nervousness at bay, are truly so much more important than climbing that next rung on the corporate ladder. Let’s admit it… A stutterer can earn a quarter-million annually, but if all they do in their off-time is worry themselves sick about the next time they go into the office, they might as well earn nothing. No amount of money can compensate for a diminutive sense of self-worth. No exotic car erase a soul-crushing amount of self-doubt. I had the good job. I made the good money. Those things did nothing but compound the negative aspects of my life, eventually culminating in stratospheric levels of stress, self-doubt, and self-loathing. The only way I was able to finally relieve the crushing force of these negative pressures, was to walk away. To refuse to push myself into a place of pure discomfort everyday, just so I could fit into the societal norm. In essence, I gave up. They’ll tell you a quitter simply cannot be happy, because they lack any sense of achievement or success. I call bullshit. I had never known true inner peace, or true happiness until I gave up, and walked away from everything that was causing me untold levels of stress, worry and non-stop despair. I’ve sacrificed a lot for my current state of mind. I lost the love of my life, who at one time, told me how much she loved to help me cope with the rigour of everyday life, only to turn around five years later, and start dumping on me about how I’m basically useless. With increased regularity, she’d tell me how sick she was of having to do everything. She left me last November, after eleven years. She was the only person I’d ever truly loved, despite previously having many long-term relationships, and even a marriage. I don’t think I’ve even turned the corner of recovering from losing her… It just seems to be getting worse every day. Still, I wouldn’t trade the life I have now, even if it meant I could have her back. Nothing is as life-destroying as relentlessly pushing yourself every single day to be a person you simply are not, nor will ever be. Some people kill themselves trying, and it’s time someone stood up and says it isn’t worth it, and there is no shame in admitting that about yourself. It’s okay to stutter. It’s not okay to blindly accept society’s one-size-fits-all version of success, without question. It’s flawed, simply because we’re not all the same. Stutterers are different in a pretty major way, often making the stereotypical version of success unobtainable. We only live once. Why do we need to waste our one shot living a life of misery? I must admit that I am impressed by the many stories of stereotypical success in the face of adversity I’ve read from members of this group. They don’t bother me, nor do they cause me jealousy. I am totally secure in the knowledge that if I were in their position, I would be more miserable than can even be imagined. At least for me, that type of success is actually failure in its very worst form. Living my best life doesn’t mean having a million dollar home, luxury car, beach house, and the ability to travel to exotic destinations. To me, those things represent a nightmare scenario, due to the fact that most days I would be spending at least eight hours experiencing the worst kind of discomfort, pretending to be someone completely opposite to who I truly am, and the remainder of the time sick with worry over pushing myself back into that role. Success for a stutterer is achieving enough of a balance where they can always feel comfortable in their own skin… Not contorted into someone they don’t even recognize, for nothing more than money. It isn’t worth it. This is your one and only life, don’t waste it by being someone you are not. Be yourself… Whatever that means for you.