first of all, please don't apologize. your commitment gives the rest of us moments of purpose to give back to something we also know intimately and makes us us. secondly, i'm happy for you that you've found a passion. i've experienced a handful of moments similar to these in my 33 years. i think it's important to keep in mind, too, that you can still have a passion for something and not have to be in the spotlight all the time to appreciate it and for it to bring you genuine excitement and add value to your life for your entire life. just wanted to be sure to kinda separate those 2 things out because they are independent of each other. plus, if you're anything like me, you come to realize that most people except mom, dad, and best friends- regardless if you have a stutter or not- don't care to hear some grand oration about why you like something. again, that understanding would come regardless if you have a stutter or not, haha lastly, you're absolutely right. it's a crummy feeling. even crummier that we at times go to great lengths to prevent even that chance of exposure or failure. i do it every day. the silver lining, i've come to see and in my opinion, is that stutterers are super intentional with words. I know i am. when i speak in a crowd, i do so usually with a sense of conviction because we kinda have to believe in what we're saying if we care enough to put our image on the line when we don't have to. i always get feedback from at work from my peers and superiors that they appreciate how 'strategic' i am with my words at times and that when i do speak, people listen. honestly, i love getting that compliment and i can promise you i'd rather have a stutter than not and be someone whose words have little impact because of however excessive i'd use them. i get the feeling though. i've been there too where i thought i made some profound connection between something where one never ever before existed- also happened in years of my life when i had muuuuch less patience and humility. in order for the 'strategic speaker' vibe to work for you (if you come to identify that way because it works best for you and your speech disfluency), you've got to leave pride at the door a lot and welcome the humility. feel free to reach out in private message if you want to chat further. this is a good topic. thanks for sharing :)