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Might just kill myself Where do I begin? Every day it's the same shit, feeling horrible, not wanting to go to school, not wanting to be an outcast all day. And then coming back home to cry alone. I don't have any real friends. I know any "friends" I have think I'm weird, that I choose not to talk to them, but they don't understand that I can't. It's knowing that nobody really cares, nobody understands. Everybody expects me to act like a normal person, & everybody favors the one who talks more. They like the person that has more confidence in themselves, who isn't just awkward all the time. People have always told me to follow my techniques, to just breath, that there's no reason to be nervous, that I don't look nervous. Have you not thought I've tried that? That I still look like a retard, that people still laugh at me, that even my own parents feel uncomfortable whenever I stutter? All I've wanted to be is happy, but all I've ever felt is sad. Lonely. Unwanted. All the friendships I could've had, all the moments I've held back talking, all the opportunities, I'll never get them back. And even if I did have them again with the same people, I would still avoid them, because I'm a pussy. I hate myself. Doesn't anybody understand? I just wanted to feel wanted, wanted to feel loved by my parents or somebody else, wanted people to not laugh at me whenever I speak. But no. I had to be born like this, had to always hope that it would magically go away, because wouldn't that be so wonderful? Sometimes, when I'm crying in my bed at night, I often wonder how everybody's life would be without me. That's when I realized that it would be so much better. My parents wouldn't have to deal with my low grades because I can't get these fucking thoughts out of my head, that I try to do the things they want me to do, but I just can't. Then they think I'm not trying, so they reprimand me more. And everybody else in school? Who would give a fuck if I died? Nobody. Nobody cares when another person kills themselves, & it would be no different now. I hate everyone, & I don't just say that because of one event. Everybody, no matter how nice everybody says they are, has thought I'm weird. And why does everybody say they're nice? Because those people can actually talk. Those people don't deal with this constant spiral everyday, they actually have people to talk to. They have all the friends I've only ever wanted, all the confidence that I've only tried to build, all the happiness I've only ever strived for. My dad has a gun safe I can access, so I might just use a gun from there soon. I never wanted it to reach this point, but there's no point anymore if I'm going to stutter forever. I'm sorry.