Hey there! As I read your post I could see high school me. I also started stuttering around 4th grade (I was 8), just like that out of the blue. Completely neurological, all those speech therapy seemed useless. Once I got familiar with therapist I could fluently converse and then as soon as I got anxious Deja vu! . I'm 25 now, can share my past 17 year experience. I use to get anxious even for morning roll calls, forget about presentation in class. Interview Viva were my most dreaded part of any exam. Once I was asked to read an article in morning school assembly. FUCK, I couldn't sleep for the next 1 week. And as expected I choked super bad. My teacher had to come onstage to hold me and show support, in front the whole school. Now how's that for killing myself !! As for friends, I quickly figured out that how they act is more important than words. Some people like to make fun but they might not know if those words hurt us. And just like you I also retreated away from social life, I kept a small close to my heart group of friends with whom I had no fear whatsoever. I think it turned out to be fine, today I prefer to read, play, gossip instead of going to bars, clubs. I have a small piece of advice though if I can give, don't hold yourself back. If you want to explore, socialize then just do it. Here's a simple test you can use if you fear that you might get insulted, ridiculed. Just ask yourself, even if 'that' happens, will this matter after 1 year ? If not, I suggest go out and do whatever you want. My parents also use same something on similar lines, which felt like patronizing me. I think they meant well. But in my opinion it helps if you are not constantly remind by parents. As for jerks and assholes around you. Remember world is a very very big place. You will go to college, internships, jobs.... There is no shortage of truly good people. But one must have a positive attitude, how will you attract good people if you just keep beating yourself up. By doing so you are actually justifying them. Stuttering doesn't define you, you are more than that, maybe good sense of humor, academically brilliant, piano player, ....As for future I can't say if "darkness" will go away or how soon will it go away. But as you gain maturity you will come to conclusion that there so much more to this world and start ignoring stuttering sub-consciously.Fun fact: Because my stuttering worsened when I got anxious, I have turned myself into (not bragging) super calm person. Sometimes I have seen look on my parents faces, thinking wtf, how does he manage to be so chilled in this situation ? And yah, forget about killing yourself, there are many more eligible candidates. Start with Trump :P [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1whG-9BjsQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1whG-9BjsQ) Edits: typos