i just realized the stutter has finally gotten the best of me and i feel defeated.

i just realized the stutter has finally gotten the best of me and i feel defeated. (sorry if this doesn't fit here but i just had one of the biggest breakdowns i've ever experienced out of nowhere, and i just feel utterly broken rn.) I just got off video chat with my best friend, the first time we've been able to speak in over a week. i ended the call because i started to cry while trying to get out a sentence. She just rattled off everything she's done today like it's no big deal. "This is the outfit I'm wearing to the halloween party, I'm going to do this and this and this to it so it looks like that. Oh, and I got to do make up for him and her, and then myself, and then i gotta get him in this costume, because he doesn't wanna do that." Then she finally gets done talking and I see an opening to try and tell the ONE exciting thing that's happened to me lately, and it takes me five minutes to get out one sentence. The entire time she's just off to the side, bored and doing something else, waiting for me to stammer out just one fucking word so i can get the ball rolling. I don't know what it was, but something just clicked in my head, and i realized i just can't do it anymore. I just felt defeated. i held my head in my hands for a solid 30 seconds before she glanced back at the screen and asked if i was okay, i just said i'll call you later and hung up before sobbing to myself. i know she wasn't really bored, that's not the problem. She's just off to the side waiting patiently, while i'm over here struggling so hard to get a word out that i literally can't even see inbetween breaths - and it's not her, everyone does it. it's the only thing they *can* do. i'm taking half the day to get out a fraction of what i wanted to say, what else are you supposed to do? i don't blame you, i'd do the same thing. i had on thing i was excited to tell her: "I've been texting with a girl for two days, and she seems genuinely interested in me. she gave me her number and invited me to visit her at work earlier today, so i did and it went okay." that's it. that's literally all i wanted to say. but I can't even get that out. i'm honestly trying really hard not to fucking punch something right now, i can't remember the last time i was this upset. i'm angry and sad and hurt and lonely and i just feel broken and defeated.