commentr/StutterAugust 9, 2020

Content

For me, I started doing one hour of reading daily out loud, alone. This is because I am fluent when I'm alone. I didn't do any special voice modulation or anything like that, I just let my natural fluent speech come out as I read. Very quickly I was making excuses and down to 20 minutes a day. Then ten minutes a day. Then it was, ''oh I'll do it tomorrow,'' or ''work sucked today and I'm way too tired for that,'' or a thousand other excuses. I now think of that as my old habits and mind trying to prevent me from getting better. It's like I was at war with my own mind. Almost like David Goggins' level mental warfare. It was like whatever part of me had been stuttering for 25 years just did not want me to stop stuttering, so I kept using excuses for why I wasn't doing the work. It took a few months of back and forth before I finally buckled down and just committed to no excuses: one hour daily. Out loud. Alone. It was weird. I'd come home from work exhaused and mentally drained and think on the drive about the blocks I had or the situations or words I avoided, and then I'd get to reading. And it was eventually really kind of funny that I was struggling to say certain sounds at work but here I was on my couch alone and reading those sounds perfectly. I started to like my voice. And I was hearing my voice fluent a lot because I was reading out loud a lot. It got so ridiculous that I would struggle on, for example, ''b'' words at work, and then read hundreds of ''b'' words fluently alone over that hour of daily reading. And those words come out perfectly. No struggle. I am 100% fluent when I read. Stuttering became a very interesting and strange thing at this point. I mean, it always was, and I've read a hell of a lot of the literature, but it was now weird in an experiential way. I was experiencing the cognitive dissonance of being disfluent in one situation and then fluent for an entire hour later on the same sounds or words. Wacky. So there was a weird carryover from just the habit of speaking without stuttering (while reading) that started to translate to ''real world'' scenarios. I guess it started to make sense to me, too, because I was literally talking out loud fluently an hour daily. I should mention the affirmation time did not count for this hour of reading. That was additional time. You asked what I focused on - initially I was just reading out loud and focusing on the book. Over time, I started to like my voice and ''heard'' it more. Now when I read, I am focusing on the book, but I'm also focusing on how I sound, what it feels like, etc. I am present far more than I used to be. But for easily the first month, and then a few after, I was just doing the work, knocking out time reading out loud. I wasn't yet winning the war against my mind - but I was fighting. I figured I would read and do affirmations, but I didn't really have my head in the game. I was still rooted in my old way of thinking and being. One mistake I made was trying to read for someone else. It wasn't the same. That was after the first month and I got cocky and thought I could read a book to someone else. Yeah, that didn't work yet. It wasn't the same, and I went back to reading alone. For a while I was also practicing what Lovett calls ''crutches,'' which are just techniques to avoid blocks, while I read. I didn't need them, but he recommends practicing them while reading so you can use them in conversation without thinking about it. The point of them is to avoid ever having another bad stuttering memory form while working on recovery. And that idea made sense to me, so I followed his protocol and would practice each crutch, one page per crutch while reading for the first 20 minutes. I actually need to bring this back into my reading (I let it slip away) because only one or two of the crutches are sort of automatic for me because I just don't use them in conversation (I dont need them because I generally don't stutter.) So in summary, I read normally with my normal voice. The important two details in my situation is that it has to be alone, and that I couldn't fudge the duration. In other words, 20 minutes was good, but 60 minutes seemed to be far more impactful than 3x better than 20 minutes. The hour mark (or longer) was really powerful for me. In other words, the longer I read per session, the more impact it has - each minute is more powerful than the last. But reading is damn hard work. And one hour is just a realllllly long time to speak fluently every day. But for me, it was critical.

Themes

Coping & AdvocacyAnticipation & AvoidanceIdentity & Disability

Subthemes

Fluency TechniquesAvoidance & SubstitutionHiding & ConcealmentAuthenticity vs. Masking