I’ve never been so lonely, but I have no energy to change. In my head, every social interaction is something to be avoided at all costs. Here’s just a little venting and some backstory of my life experiences so far.

I’ve never been so lonely, but I have no energy to change. In my head, every social interaction is something to be avoided at all costs. Here’s just a little venting and some backstory of my life experiences so far. Medford OR, 2010-2014: Back in freshman year of high school, I went to the high school that most of the people in my middle school didn’t go to because I was out of district, so I had to go about making new friends. Luckily, I joined the choir because singing has always been my greatest joy and passion; during the first day of class, my choir teacher had each of the 40-50 of us say something about ourselves, and I remember telling everyone about my stutter and getting emotional (funny thing is, I thought my stutter was bad back then, but it’s nothing like it is now). Long story short, high school turned out to be the most memorable times of my life, I met my best friends in choir that day. We have such fond memories that I’ll always cherish. I would go out every day to hang out with them. I also ended up writing and recording an album with one of my friends during my junior year, which is probably the proudest achievement of my life to date. Medford OR, 2007-2009(?): Rewind a few years back to elementary school/early middle school. I can’t remember specific years, but I was probably between ages 11-13. My parents had just gotten DirecTV installed in our house and my brother and I each got a receiver in our rooms. This is where I discovered pornography; there were channels that played softcore porn at night that I’d watch. Eventually I began to watch porn online, which I still do to this day. Back then I didn’t have fetishes, I would just watch the “basic” stuff. This didn’t affect my life in high school (or at least not as much as it does now). I didn’t really think about it much. Over the years, I’ve acquired a specific fetish for eye contact, which, needless to say, has not helped my anxiety at all, nor my stutter. Medford ——> Eugene OR, 2014-2021: I applied to go to the University of Oregon and got accepted. I wish I would’ve applied for the music school, but I didn’t because there was an audition/separate application required and I was nervous. This is one of my biggest regrets. I moved to Eugene to live in the dorms for the first year as an undeclared major, taking random classes thinking that that was what was best for me. Around this same time, I tried marijuana for the first time, despite my parents smoking it around me my whole life. I told my dad I tried smoking when I went home for Christmas break and he gave me a hefty amount to have and to sell for extra spending money with only good intentions. In January of 2015, I was dumb enough to be vaping in my dorm room when a hall monitor walked by and called the police right away. I was so nervous that my stutter blocks just wouldn’t stop while talking to the officers. I was so scared that I ratted out my friend who I sold a large amount to so that he could sell it, and we both ended up getting kicked out of the dorms. My parents drove to help me find an apartment and within two weeks, I had a place, a cool little studio apartment. All of this happened right before I was supposed to perform at a dorm talent show that I had signed up for. I still think today that maybe this would’ve been the moment like I had in choir in high school, where I’d make closer friends and start feeling more comfortable in Eugene. Eugene OR, 2015-2021: The first few months of having the place were fun, although I was smoking an insane amount of weed to try and cope with all the sudden life changes. I had this friend Joe from the dorms who came over often. We’d have fun getting blazed listening to/playing music and video games. We made a cover of Peaceful Easy Feeling by the Eagles, who I was lucky enough to see live that year as well. In April that same year, I got a phone call that my grandpa who lived with my family and I for the majority of my life had passed away. Being alone in my apartment during this time made everything worse, I fell head first into my vices of porn and pot instead of leaning on friends and family. A few months later, my parents decided to move up to Eugene and I moved in with them. We’ve moved around a few times since then, but remain in Eugene. I flunked out of college a little after they moved up here. My dad got a job as a cook at the YMCA and got me my first job as a lifeguard and I’ve been working there since 2018. I ghosted my only few friends in Eugene years ago and I haven’t left my house to hang out with someone in as long as I can remember. My stuttering in summary: Back in high school, I had good control over my stutter in most social settings. I still couldn’t freely speak like those who are fluent but I could pick and choose words to avoid having a huge block so barely anyone knew I stuttered. Ever since moving to Eugene, it has gotten worse. I always had secondary behaviors like closing my eyes and head jerking, but now it happens severely at least once during every sentence I speak. Because of this, I’ve become completely stagnant in life. I watch Twitch/YouTube 8+hours a day and play video games the rest. I also scroll through social media platforms and watch everyone else making lives for themselves. I have such a deep desire to change my life and make connections with people but once I start trying and actually talking to someone in person my mind goes into this mode where I just want to stop and get out of there, so I rush the conversation. I would try and message people over text, but most people think it’s weird unless you talk in real life. All of my co-workers went to the lake together the other day and no one invited me. I don’t blame them though, because every “conversation” someone has with me ends in less than a minute because I end it. My blocks are so bad that it physically hurts to speak most of the time; my entire head jerks back repeatedly and I close my eyes until the word comes out. Every night before bed I watch “eye contact” porn because it gives me an illusion of the intimacy that I lack in everyday life, not just sexual but emotional intimacy. I still smoke pot everyday too, which I’m not sure helps my stutter too much. The worst part is being so self aware of it all yet I still can’t find the energy or will to change. I’m 25 now but I still feel 18 because I’ve barely progressed. People at my work are a few years younger than me so most of them just graduated college and will probably move on soon. I’m thinking about looking into a driving job, UPS or USPS just because I’ve always liked to drive and there wouldn’t be much social interaction. I messaged someone from my choir in high school that lives in Eugene to see if they wanna play music sometime, which is a new feat for me. Anyway, this is just me venting and sharing my story, it’s not much of a life I’m living but I’m trying to do better. Peace and love, Andy