This is a great comment. I am so grateful for this group. I hope you can see you aren't alone OP. It's difficult to avoid despair but it's better you let it out to people who understand. Sometimes I do that here! Sometimes I read posts here that I could have written myself about MY day. I haven't participated but this group sometimes has live audio chats with all stuttering participants (discord?). While there are some posts here about people who feel "cured"... Many of us also have not responded to speech therapy and those posts miss us by a mile. Many of us walk around carrying these feelings you're having. I spent an hour writing another comment but it had too many details and might not have been helpful to OP. I didn't post it but .... It's already written and I can imagine the thoughts as "blocks"of words instead of reliving my blocks like a bad movie. Writing things down is great advice even though when I have been at my most depressed I do often feel like nothing helps and I get very hopeless.