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feeling conflicted Hi all, I’m new to using reddit. I browse different categories every now and then but never posted, so bear with me. This is actually very hard for me as I have never openly talked about this, ever. I have always been ashamed but I am tired of feeling inadequate. This will be extremely long and really, I just want to get this off of my chest… so thank you for reading in advance <3 I have had a stutter for as long as I can remember. I am a girl by the way, late 20s. The first time I truly realized I was different and just HOW different I was, was probably in 3rd grade. I had a project to present to the class, and I can still feel how fast and hard my heart was beating. I knew I was going to do it, I just didn’t know when or what my classmates would think of me. I stuttered almost immediately. I felt so embarrassed, I wanted to just run away but I didn’t. Several other instances happened during third grade, I.e popcorn reading. I would pinpoint what paragraph I would have to read aloud far ahead of my turn and practice in my head. Though, I would still stutter, lol. Then, I remember having a parent-teacher conference and the teacher brings up my stutter to my mother, and I again, felt so inadequate. She suggested my mother start me in speech therapy. My mother looked to me, asked, “is that something you would like?” and as a child, I didn’t really know what that meant. I just felt embarrassed and said no. So, she never started me in speech therapy. Fast forward a bit into middle school and high school years, my stutter decreased a bit, and I was confident. It seems that I learned my “trigger words” or sounds, and I would simply refrain from saying those words and find other “easier” words for me to say. This boosted my self esteem and while I did still suffer from social anxiety a bit, it was minimal at this time. During high school, my boyfriend at the time caught on that I had a stutter. Immediately pointed it out, “do you stutter?” UGH. I also have a family member who would blatantly point out my stutter to other family or my friends while I was in the room. What a gut-wrenching feeling. After high school, I joined the army. My last name ironically has a trigger sound for me, so I simply changed the pronunciation of it to (again), refrain from stuttering. I hated introducing myself using my last name (as we do in the military) because I would stutter, and people would give that “Oh my?” look, or “do you not remember your name?” My God. Do I have to tell everyone I stutter? It is literally a part of myself that I hate. Maybe I should not say that, but I truly feel that way. Anyway, I must say that my stutter is rather mild, and there are lengthy conversations that I can have without stuttering, but again, I have to reframe what my mind is thinking into more easy words to get out. In those moments I feel so disconnected from actively engaging and listening in conversations, because my focus solely becomes “please, do NOT stutter! What’s another word for that?” It’s so annoying. What’s even more annoying, being an adult and feeling too embarrassed not being confident enough to order what I truly want at the drive thru. Or in restaurants. Or say certain numbers. Or thoroughly explain my career to others who are inquiring. What’s even MORE annoying - not feeling confident enough in myself to make new friends spontaneously. Or stuttering unexpectedly and immediately feeling judged so much that I just want to go away. While my stutter hasn’t worsened, per se, since school years, I find it more difficult as I am an adult now… doing the small things, the adult things, the things that should give you a sense of independency, and feeling so much social anxiety and thinking “you are going to stutter and people are going to think you’re dumb” that you profusely sweat and your blood pressure rises so much that you literally feel incapable to complete the small tasks. I almost feel that I am unable to be my true, authentic self, because my words do not align with my thoughts. My speech holds me back from so many things I want to do and experience. I want to be that outgoing person that has so many friends and holds the big director or managerial positions - but I am too embarrassed. It eats me alive and it sucks because it is something I cannot change. If you read this far, thank you. I am tearing up as I type this because these are feelings and emotions and experiences I have buried down for so long. I guess, if you have any advice that would help me, or treatments, please recommend them in the comments. However, I do think just ranting about this and getting it out has already helped me overcome some of my fears. I appreciate all of you and your support, I thank this thread for helping me see I am not alone. <3