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just venting. sorry. i hate my stutter. i hate it with a burning passion. it’s prevented and taken so much from me. i believe 17-21/22 are suppose to be some of the best years of your life before you really become an adult. i missed out on those years because of my stutter. i dropped out of university because the anxiety from my stutter was really overwhelming, and after that i was the most depressed i’d ever been. it hurts when people bring up certain years(mainly 2016 and 2017) as their best years when those were the years that hurt you the most. my past haunts me...everyday. i long to just start life all over again. i’m filled with so much sorrow and bitterness and i hate it because that’s not who i truly am. i miss the person who i was before i cared about what people thought of me stuttering. i haven’t been myself for a long time. i feel so hollow. i try to hold on to that person i once was, and who i want to be, but i can feel it gradually slipping away. all this low self-esteem, fear and anxiety has been eating away at me for years. i see it every time i look in the mirror. how can i accept something that i despise so much? how can i accept something that has ruined my life and continues to do so? the amount of times i’ve abstained from engaging in discussions i’m familiar with or not talked to someone i really like is innumerable. all this ends up weighing heavy on the heart. everyone seems like they are moving on and getting better as the years go on. every year i feel more fearful, insecure and exhausted from having to contend with this burden. i’m always worried about the future, especially what kind of job/career i’ll be doing. if i’ll ever have a family, a place of my own, etc.