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I'm mentally exhausted Just saw my brother after a long time we haven't met. He showed interset in my degree (I study computer science), and in my head I had all of these fun and interseting topics to show to him, since he takes interset in computers as well. In my head it's all so clear, I understand those concepts so well, even in the level of explaining it to someone foreign to the field. ​ And then I started talking, and everything falls apart. My heart shatters, I start to sweat, I can't muster a single sentence right. Despite all of the effort I put in, I can't even begin to explain none of it to a close family member. How would I be able to explain it a future co-worker or boss? How can you live life when your perception of yourself differ so much from what you exude to your environment? ​ The minute he closed the door I drank all of the remaining vodka I had in my room, knowing this happened before, and it will happen again. I'm feeling better, clear minded for now, but understand deeply that there is no end to this, and I should not be a part of this anymore ​ thank you for reading, I love you and hope you do better