I've been stuttering for 43 years -- here's my story.

I've been stuttering for 43 years -- here's my story. I want to share what I have learned over the years in the hope that I can be helpful to others that are struggling. It feels really good to write this stuff down. Everyones journey is different. Here’s mine. I’m 54 years old (male) and have been pretty much been stuttering since I was 11 or 12. I was sent to a boarding school in the UK when I was 10 and I think that the trauma surrounding my situation is what triggered my stutter … but I also think there probably were genetic reasons as well. I stuttered terribly between the ages of 11 and 25. Those years were really hard. I was either teased or ignored. I think I was basically silent from 11 to 21. Just talking when necessary. Thankfully, after college — things eased up a bit. I would have good years, and not so good years. Depending, I think, on what was going on in my life at the time. But, I have never lived a day where my speech was fluid. It has not been easy. The look of panic or confusion that flashed across someones face when I started to stutter made me feel horrible. I’d want the earth to swallow me up. I’d feel embarrassment, shame, fear and just wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible. I still feel all of this stuff, just to a lesser extent. I’m just not as emotionally devastated. It’s still bad. But not horrific. Being a stutterer feels really lonely. No one can really understand what it’s like. Only a stutterer knows. If I feel judged by someone, I stutter. If I drink alcohol, I stutter. If I go to a party, I stutter. If I am in anyway uncomfortable with a human interaction, I stutter. I have never had a job interview. Phone calls sometimes are the worst. If someone asks me my name, I stutter. If someone looks at me while I stutter, I stutter some more. Hitting on girls was not an option. I was the quiet shy guy in the room. I had exactly 3 brief sexual encounters before I was 30. I feel like I missed out on a healthy early sexual life. But it all worked out. I met someone who liked me. Someone who didn’t care. Someone that made me feel safe. I have been married for 21 years. I have two kids, and have managed to build, by most measures, a good life. I love my family and my two close friends. I never thought I would find someone. Back in the mid 90’s, I was 33 and very lonely. I wanted a family. I wanted to be loved. I never thought it would happen. I figured out that I needed to see someone on a regular basis (like a class) before I felt comfortable taking to them. So I took a yoga class that met 3 days a week, which is where I met my wife. We had seen each other in class for a couple of months before I got the courage to ask her if she wanted to go on a hike or grab a coffee. She smiled, and said yes. She’d like both… I could tell that she was kind and thoughtful. That was enough. She didn’t mention my stutter for a couple of months. And when she did, it was just to reassure me that is was okay. I have worked hard to avoid stress, conflict, dysfunctional relationships, and for better or worse, stepping outside my comfort zone. I play it really safe. Looking back on the last 43 years, I really wish I had come to terms with my stutter. I wish I had embraced who I was and been comfortable with my speech pattern. The emotional weight behind my daily life would have been lighter. But that just wasn’t the way it was. I had no guidance or support. My parents barely mentioned it. My siblings were cruel. There were no therapists I could talk to. I just had to figure it out for myself. Stuttering has taught me a lot about how to live in the world: It has taught me to be a good listener. To really listen to others, to focus on them, and what they are saying. It’s very satisfying. Honestly, I taught myself to be a good listener, because I obviously felt more comfortable listening to someone than going through the pain of talking and stuttering. It has taught me to be a kind & loyal friend. My feeling was that if someone is friendly towards me, and are willing to listen to my broken speech, then they have to be simply an amazing human being. I really value my friendships. It has taught me to be non-judgmental. Everyone has problems that dominate their lives, give them a break. It has taught me to be non-materialistic. Fighting to acquire wealth was just too much of a challenge. It was not me. Emotionally exhausting. It’s like trying to win a race with a broken spluttering car. It frustrated me until I realized that I just did not care. Stuttering has taught me to be almost childlike and innocent … It’s hard to explain but if you lean into playfulness and innocence you can relax. You can be the 8 year old that didn’t stutter. Kids love you, mean or unconscious adults ignore you. When I used to take my young kids to birthday parties, I’d be the dad hanging out playing games with the other kids. My children’s friends love hanging out with me. I think they liked me because they know I really care about them. It was also just so much easier to be around kids… I think a part of me wants to live forever in that innocent world… a world I lived in before I stuttered. In a weird way sometimes I think my stuttering speech is disarming. Someone once told me it was charming. They said it was quirky. They liked it. I’ll never forget that. What I also did not understand, is that in a world where so many people feel pressure to be “perfect”, to wear your “vulnerability” on your sleeve, is really not so bad. Think about it. No one is threatened by a stutter just trying to get through a sentence. People who are shallow and superficial will ignore you, which is good. People who are kind and have depth will not be deterred by your stutter. Stuttering has taught me to value loving or friendly relationships above all else. Growing up, I considered someone who wanted to be a friend of mine as an incredible gift. My attitude was — “if someone wants to be my friend, and to listen to me speak in the broken way I do, then I have to be as good and supportive of a friend as I can be”. — What I did not understand is that everyone is a little broken inside, it’s human. My situation was just more obvious. I assumed people to be far more judgmental than they actually were. The cool ones don’t judge. They may feel a bit sorry for you, but that’s okay. As you stutter try smiling with your eyes. It can help you get through the block. I see myself as a car with clanky engine trouble, that still manages to get around town. It’s not great, but it works.