I’m so sorry you’re feeling so shitty. It really does suck. Have you tried doing some reading on the topic? Understanding why you’re stuttering and moving past the grief and anger is really the first step. Self therapy for the stutterer by Malcolm Fraser was a bit of a life changer for me in terms of my perception of my stutter. It took me a while though. At first I was angry at the implication that it was something I was doing and not something that was just randomly happening to me.