Long reading (text) on how I got fluent, I tried to really cover all I went through and became aware of. If anyone is up for some casual reading, I am hoping it will give others a potential new perspective on our stutter.

Long reading (text) on how I got fluent, I tried to really cover all I went through and became aware of. If anyone is up for some casual reading, I am hoping it will give others a potential new perspective on our stutter. I am going to paste the text here and also link to my google doc. It is a work in progress but I think I can leave it be for now. I know it's very long, I kind of poured a lot into it but it is a complex subject and I didn't want to leave out what I had went through because for all I know, it was a part of the process that led me to the control I can achieve today and the fluency I can maintain. I didn't want to pick and choose. Instead I wanted to get it all out (all I can remember) for the sake of openness and being forthright about it all. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DHsazLEjUrz0lsDQzXy4L91gzO6du5zuicPr7cxC4T4/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DHsazLEjUrz0lsDQzXy4L91gzO6du5zuicPr7cxC4T4/edit?usp=sharing) ​ ​ ​ Since I was about 3 years old, I stuttered. I felt like it got worse through school, and then towards the middle of college when I was also working having to deal with phone calls, I just felt like I’ve had enough! Until I made a conscious choice not to let it bother me, I never changed. I had severe days, I had good days, but I felt like it had me by the balls all my life. I could barely even distract myself from my stutter because I would imagine myself stuttering in every scenario I see in a movie or tv show, etc. There's a few things I went through and began doing around that time. First, I did this grueling test...I needed to know for sure whether when I block it is indefinite or not. So one day I told myself I'd let myself stutter. Ironically, just saying something like that inside had a relieving effect, like taking the pressure off, I couldn’t just stutter when I wanted to. But when it came and I stuttered/blocked in the moment, I began to see...will I break out of this hard block, no matter what I do? I realized I always did, *no matter what!* I may have dragged it along, in a sense, and still blocked on the next words or sentences but I never got stuck on one word indefinitely, it always let go somehow the way it started, the block just unlocks and let me finish even though I might “feel” like I could be locked indefinitely. In the moment it may feel like the lock on your vocal cords could be endless but it isn’t. It will always let go on it’s own no matter what you do, whether you struggle with it or not, you will see, if you pay attention, it’ll let go just as oddly as it came on. It doesn’t matter whether you try to push your way through it, repeat the word, or don’t do much of anything, it never keeps you locked forever and it’s just a matter of time (moments, grueling as they may be at first) before the lock releases. This revelation (and confirmation over time as I put myself out there beginning to talk in more difficult situations even though I knew I was going to block) gave me a sense of relief that I KNEW I could get out what I wanted to say, I knew it would come out and I did not need to force it. I began to let myself stutter and reminded myself that as difficult as this is, it will let go and I can continue any moment now, and it did. And if I continued to block on the next words or sentence, every single one I knew would let go and I knew I could finish. But as I stuttered in a more relaxed way, it got easier as I went. When I thought I absolutely had to *force* the word out one way or another, I would get so fatigued and tired that I didn’t want to carry on with the thought. I was too out of breath! Knowing that it didn’t matter how hard I tried and even realizing that the harder I tried the more difficult it would be (I felt like I was just prolonging the block at times) I began to stutter “easier.” I realized I didn’t need to needlessly tire myself out so I began to just repeat the word slowly until it unlocked and I could keep going. It still felt awkward but much less so. Sometimes I noticed it might be better when I looked into their eyes as I began to stutter. I didn’t understand why and thought it was just a good distraction to get me out of the stutter but there was a common denominator there where whatever I did to calm myself helped. More than anything, this helped me finally tackle the dreaded phone calls! My *name* in particular, hell any name! At my job I had to say something like the name of my company and this is “insert your name” speaking. For the LIFE of me I could not get those two things out! When someone called out of the blue, I knew I had to say the name of the company they reached and my name. Luckily I worked for my brother so he understood my problem but I could never do it at any other company. That’s because I’d be so tired from the blocks when dealing with phone calls, I was physically drained like I ran a mile. All because I tried so hard to get the words out in these tense instances where the person on the other line did not know what I was going through so I had the fear that they would hang up because I thought I would block indefinitely. Now I know that that’s not how it works, you can test it out yourself, not only will you never be locked indefinitely but the harder you try the more you prolong the block, so take it easy (I know it is far easier said than done at first, but bare with me, I’ll put it all together). So with phone calls I had to be real with myself, I was scared first that they would hang up...so I had to allow myself to stutter. A lot of times I could not say the first word over the phone, it’s like I closed up my vocal cords and if there was a tiny hole there, I could not get the air out! So I “allowed” myself to begin a stutter. If I was so locked out at the beginning, I could say another word (crazy how that works). One fascinating thing I realized was sometimes I could say the whole word but I couldn’t move on from it so I’d slowly repeat it easier as I go to calm myself as I wait. An obvious example is stuttering on the word “I” or saying “it” a few times over as I block but it was also longer words too. In any case, sometimes I would begin to stutter on the word I wanna say knowing it will unlock at any time now and then I might say something else entirely so they know I’m there and what I’m going through. So I would start a stutter then be able to say “pardon my stutter” even stuttering on that a little but much less than the main words I wanna say... and then continue. It laid to rest a few fears, them not hanging up and them not knowing what was going on. Over time, you won’t need to turn this into a habit and do it like that every time. As I began to talk more and avoid less, I think it was a positive reinforcement mechanism where your brain sees you did it, you lived through it and it got easier and easier over time. After enough time, that initial block as I picked up the phone went away because I got so used to it. But remember, if you avoid a phone call or a speaking circumstance, I think it scares your brain into remembering to avoid it the next time, it’s a negative reinforcement mechanism that makes it more difficult over time because you get more panicked as you avoid it...but it’s not that big of a deal because you’ll survive it, there’s no real danger so there’s no need for your body to get into that fight or flight panic mode. You can let yourself stutter, you know the words will come out and you know that it will get all the more easier the next time. This was a game changer for me! I felt like I could finally start working on myself! On my stutter, on my mindset, and more! I no longer had the excuse to just wing it and complain anymore thinking there was nothing I could do, I felt like I could actually begin to tackle it one way or another. I didn’t care about the individual words anymore or any individual situation, I was thinking about it all as a whole and I had to dig deeper and work on it mentally. Start from scratch because I was getting the sense that everything I learned was a distraction from the underlying issue. ……………………………………………………………………………………………. In concert with the above, the second thing I did was deciding to stop dwelling on any stuttering bouts I had or anything to do with my stutter, PERIOD! That included worrying about what others thought around me! This was also unimaginably difficult! This took a very long time! How do you force yourself to stop thinking about something? You need to think about it just to try to stop thinking about it, it’s a mind bender! Originally I tried to incorporate this the day after a bad bout. You know when you have good weeks but then one bad day or one bad conversation and you can have a bad week after. That’s because that feeling from that bad conversation lingers. Of course I would dwell on it the next day because it bothered me so much that I was blocking so hard..naturally I wanted to know if I could have handled it differently..but every time I remembered a difficult bout, it made me nervous and I lost confidence again. So I found myself stuttering that next day and the day after and so on, like a vicious cycle. It bothered me so much to the point where I threw my hands up and thought to myself, what is the point of always dwelling on it if it just makes it worse. At this early stage I thought if I can’t control it, then why even think about it! Why even give it the time of day, I realized it had the opposite effect of helping me at the time and instead it brought the so-called stutter state right back up to the forefront. I began to equate my fluency and my stutter as two separate states or mindsets. One where we are fluent and another when we are blocking. We know how to be fluent because we can easily be fluent when we are alone so it kind of felt like a mindset. Instead of reminding myself of the fluent state and mindset or reminding myself that I can be fluent, I’d be reminding myself of my stutter whenever I dwelled on those previous difficult situations. Let me try to elaborate on this stutter state and what I mean by that. Have you ever imagined yourself in a difficult situation and you work up your own nerves? I have 2 examples I can think of. 1. If I watch tv and see the news and imagine myself trying to do it, I feel the tense sensation and feel where I would block even though I'm not actually doing it. 2. Another example is if the old me was about to make a phone call and I worked myself up imagining it, bringing up the fear, the panic, etc, where I know if I made the call I'd get blocked on my name, as an example, but because I’m alone I could say my name in the moment easily, yet the feeling is brought right up to the forefront, like I’m priming myself to stutter or block. In these situations I feel like I am going to block before I begin saying anything. Today I think if we can bring about such a state then it follows that we can do the opposite and bring about a fluent state and relax ourselves. If the stutter state starts from sheer anticipation, I remind myself of the opposite, of the fluent state by remembering that I can indeed be fluent and do not have to be this anxious (and so the anxious stutter state subsides). But this realization didn’t come to me right away. I only knew that dwelling on it the way I had made it worse, brought on the stutter state to begin with and just didn’t help at the time so I began doing all I could not to think about stuttering in almost any way including any difficult moments I had. Just the thought of stuttering reminded me to doubt myself so I began distracting myself the moment the thoughts came up. It was very difficult where I felt a certain weight in my head as I tried so hard at first just not to dwell on any difficult stuttering situations I had the day before. But the mind is a powerful thing and just as people can force themselves not to think about traumatic experiences, I was able to forget about worrying about my stutter with conscious effort over time. I got so used to moving on and not wasting my time that I was able to stop worrying about it on the same day as a difficult bout as well. That conditioning carried over to not worrying about it at the very moment! This led to many other effects on my state of mind because by not dwelling on my stutter or the fear and anxiety it used to bring along with it, I was able to use such a mindset to stop worrying about what I thought others thought around me as I stuttered. I remembered that everyone was too busy thinking about themselves and they are not going to be any more uncomfortable than I am with my stutter. If I can move on from it, they would have no reason to think about me as they have their own problems to deal with. We all tend to worry about ourselves and we are our own worst enemies in that way. I thought of it as a canceling effect, they mainly have themselves on their mind and what people think of them just as we have ourselves on our mind and what people might think of us. That realization was a release for me. Though I am still self conscious, at the time I considered a block to be something beyond my control to a certain extent so I equated it to tripping and falling. What would be the point in dwelling about it all day? I can get back up and smile, do what I was used to doing at the time which was casually repeating the word I can control just before the word I was blocking on until I felt the block let go. All the while I would breathe easier without being self conscious about it. Instead, maybe focusing on the message or even what I wanna say next. They’re going to be thinking about themselves either way. Believe me, they will get bored fast thinking about you or anyone else. They’re always preoccupied with themselves, you know it because you are too! At the time, as I felt a block come on and began repeating the word just before the block I began to breathe out more because the feeling of being blocked was a bother (needless to say) and breathing out helped me relax and let it go all the easier. Until I felt the block let go entirely, I trained myself not to try to push onto the blocked word. I knew it would let go at any moment and I wanted to get used to how it feels when it lets go! I wanted to remember this feeling so I could call on it. It took practice, a conscious effort not to fall back into my habitual responses. The moment I felt a block, I habitually wanted to “push” my way through it but I had to stop myself from doing that. Instantly and quickly I remembered this block will let go either way in moments. I will tire myself if I push and the end result and length of time the block took to get out of will likely be the same anyway. But the difference after is uncanny! Once it let go without exerting any force, I had enough breath and energy to carry on a conversation easily. Where-as when I tried to exert outward force, I’d be carrying it along with me to the next set of words. There were times where I didn’t even stutter at all while trying to push my way through a sentence. So I might be able to say words but I would still struggle getting pushback as though I was trying to talk against an invisible force. By having some patience, allowing it to let go, dissipate just as oddly as it came, that struggle left along with it and the more I practiced this response of pulling back instead of leaning into the block (repeating the word before the block as an example), the faster it naturally let go and the more I got used to it letting go! So again, if I had even succeeded in forcing through a word, I would still be struggling throughout the sentence so it didn’t matter to me! I was tired of the struggle as a whole, not just for the sake of getting through one word. The more I was aware when I would potentially fall into this struggle, I could step back from it with breathing or slowing myself down. Later when I felt a block, I would breathe out just before I got to it (because I was very used to not allowing myself to fall into trying to push through it) but I would breathe out with a specific intent, setting my mind to let this block go entirely. I wouldn’t just breathe hoping for the best. A pitfall I think we fall into while just breathing and hoping for the best is we will still set up the word or sound the exact same way internally, still anxious to get the word out, still with the mindset of exerting force against an invisible nothing! So by breathing out, it would not be with the intent to continue on with the same mindset to instantly try again the same way, it would be with the intent to let go of the block and reset myself! I would let go entirely of the intent to continue on and I would actually feel like I am starting over without the anxiousness. Truly truly resetting, letting go of the thought that I’m even having to try again. It is the same as if someone had interrupted you mid sentence while you were stuttering! You have probably experienced this feeling when someone interrupted you but you were still able to respond to them during mid stutter. Just that distraction let go of what you had fallen into! It is why I call the blocks pitfalls. We do not need to wait for any outward interaction to have that effect, we can do it to ourselves. So when I “try again” I don’t actually try again, I pull back entirely from the original intent of what I wanted to say similar to how if someone interrupted you, you might respond with the same thing but at this point it was a response to a new situation. Remember, an interruption while you are in a block is different from an interruption while you are fluent. When we find ourselves talking fluently and carefreely, if someone interrupts us we might block from that quick doubt and subconscious reminder that we might stutter now that they asked us to say it again. It feels like just the thought of stuttering brings the stutter right up to the forefront. We just said a word fluently but if someone asks us to repeat it we might likely stutter on it or feel a block coming on! That is why I have detached the idea that a stutter is associated with any particular word or sound. I believe those words we think make us stutter are triggers we have formed because they remind us of our stutter as though the thought of it loads our muscle memory of it. It’s like our whole body remembers it and the fear, tension up there in our throat, the quick heartbeat from the anxiousness, it all loads right back up just from something like being asked to repeat a word you just said fluently! On the other hand, while we are stuttering, if we are interrupted, that could actually snap us out of it! All that we’ve leaned into (the habitual reaction) may be let go in an instance the moment someone interrupts us mid stutter! All of a sudden, we can talk again! I realized it must follow that there’s no reason we can’t do that to ourselves so I might do something like a nice loud breath out with that same intent of snapping me out of it rather than with the intent to just try again. I hope the difference makes more sense now. It is a release from the tension and the block, not to continue with the same momentum and thought of just trying to get through this block. I would rather potentially allow a new block to form rather than continue on with the same one. Imagine a nice loud breath out to stop yourself from going forward any further (like saying “whew, ok”). Then a nice breath, then you can continue. You can also say the word fluently in your mind's eye just like how we can imagine a fluent word we might want to replace it with (Caution: Replacing words is a bad negative reinforcement mechanism that just gives the word you are avoiding a stronger misleading connection with your stutter). But if just replacing words can unlock your block, it must follow that we can do it with the same word because we know there’s nothing magical or different about any other word compared to this one. Thus you can say the word you are struggling on fluently inside just the same. If this is difficult at first, you may want to be aware and remember the rest of the word and focus on saying that. So if you are stuck on the word “king” as an example, say “ing” or the “i” and let that release you from the tension of blocking on the “k.” With practice, you will get used to overcoming stutters in such ways until it is subconscious. When I do something like moving past the block onto the rest of the word like that, it sounds like it's coming out a little louder or with more authority but really I'm just overcoming the block by moving on in this way. It seems complicated to think about but it's all done instantly without a second thought with practice. These reactions don't slow me down in the least, they just add to my confidence and since I don't dwell on a stutter to begin with, there's no thought to it. With practice, anything can be that subconscious. We do have this level of control. We can stop ourselves from falling into a block and choose what to do next. Steve Harvey had a great example of this from his childhood. As a child, he stuttered and likely tried outward intervention to get through it. Whether to exert force on the block, or try again with the same intent and setup to exert force, he was likely not aware that what the store clerk asked him to do next could even work. [https://www.stutteringhelp.org/content/steve-harvey](https://www.stutteringhelp.org/content/steve-harvey) * “Although Harvey was terrified of public speaking as a child, he knew he was funny and was determined to show his talent to others. The counterman at his neighborhood deli helped him overcome his stutter by rewarding Harvey with candy when he spoke clearly. “He taught me before you say anything, say it to yourself three times, take your time, and speak on the exhale,” recalls Harvey.” I think as a child, most will fall into the idea that they should try and force their way out of it, especially as they age. But as you fall into the stutter, I believe you’ve already fallen down the wrong track and there is nothing to force but it might coincidentally unlock from a moment's hesitation and that, sadly, might lead us to believe we needed to do it. But it was the quick let up on the force, the quick release, that unlocked it. You cannot force your way out of a block. Worse yet, next time if it doesn’t unlock from the same force, we might try and put our face into it and develop ticks. Imagine an arm wrestler trying to force his opponent's hand but when it doesn’t budge they might put their face into it because they are trying harder, with all their might! I remember trying to get out of a block by elongating until I was blue in the face, trying to exert force until I was breathless and ironically it let go sometimes when I ran out of energy but not during. It never felt like I could successfully force my way out of it. It only felt like it let go after I couldn’t anymore or between a quick let up on the force. The store clerk's suggestion bypassed all of this needless habitual struggle entirely! The young Steve Harvey began to say the word in his head fluently, 3 times over to really solidify that he is saying it fluently instead of imagining himself stuttering on it. Now the brain has the directive of how to say it right, the muscle memory remembers as well and he says it fluently and gets the candy that the clerk promised him! There was no need to deal with any muscle tension because he did not respond with any, he handled it through his mind's eye and remembered what it felt like to talk fluently, to say the word fluently rather than dwell on the stutter. He overcame that pitfall and consciously got out of it! He did not have to wait for a good day, nor did he need to wait for someone to interrupt him, he was handling it himself in the moment! It did not happen fast right away but he got used to it with practice! He credits getting over his stutter to this! People ask me how I have so much control. How can I get out of a block right in the moment. I am self aware, I do not fall into it long enough without remembering and consciously stepping in to get out of it. Because with practice, I have gotten used to what it feels like to let the block go entirely and say the word fluently, all subconsciously from the practice I’ve been through but the above examples should help illustrate why it’s possible! This is a work in progress so I might add to it as I think of anything else or remember anything else that is important. Hope this has helped gain a new perspective. It’s a lot to take in and I tried to break down what I went through when I started this stuttering journey up to now. I wanted to write about what I’ve learned through trial and error and practice. I still get blocks but I can get out of it with a conscious thought after practice and awareness (including self awareness) I have gone through far beyond just trying new things and hoping for the best. Initially I tried out different ways of stuttering because I was tired of pushing through and losing my breath until I was blue in the face but then through reason and effort I began to dig deeper and figure out what I needed to focus on and get out of each process I tried. Practice makes perfect but you have to be willing to try something different and you have to be willing to try it consistently to get used to it. Do not dwell on the stutter, do not dwell on trying something but not being able to let go of the block the first time right away. Neither could I and neither could Steve Harvey from the first time he tried nor who knows how many others but you must have patience and allow yourself room to discover and get used to the result which you are looking for. Then latch onto it, feel it, remember it, and use it. Slowly but surely the block will let go faster from just the thought of it all. Your brain will subconsciously remember and know what to do the moment you feel a block incoming. They say to breathe to give your mind the chance to get back on track. I needed more awareness of how.