You've gotta start being kinder to yourself. I realize there's a strong element to your OP that suggests a deeper mental illness that I'm not even remotely qualified to advise you on. But know this: plenty of people who stutter live happy, fulfilling lives. A stutter only holds you back as much you let it. I know that probably sounds like trite bullshit, but it's the truth. A stutter is nothing more than a different way of talking. Everything else is just baggage that you need to learn to let go of. Also when you call yourself a retard for stuttering, you're calling us all retards. And that's shit. I'm not a retard. I'm just someone who talks a little differently. You have to be your own advocate. Don't take any shit. Not even from yourself. You deserve better than that, and so do we.