The story of my stuttering and how I'm going to get rid of it

The story of my stuttering and how I'm going to get rid of it First I would like to apologize for any mistakes in this long text since English is not my native language. Also I am very glad that I recently found this sub while I was looking for information about the treatment of stuttering. I really wanted to share my story. It may seem too outspoken but I need to speak out. I think someone will find themselves in it too. My stuttering started at around 3 or 4 y.o. Probably it was caused by sudden fright. But after some stressful situations happened in early childhood during the formation of the psyche and character simple children's difficulties in speech turned into severe stuttering. I lived in a village so I didn't have the opportunity to visit a speech therapist. But in the period from 8 to 15 y.o. a kind of speech and mental therapy for me was a music school where I sang a lot and learned to play the piano. I also actively attended church where I sang in the church choir and participated in theatrical performances. In addition I myself put a lot of effort into working on diction because my dream was to enter the university at the faculty of journalism, linguistics or psychology, because these professions require delivered speech. It was a truly wonderful time. I had friends, hobbies, hopes for a brighter future. There were times when I even read scripture in front of hundred people in church. Now I am 19 years old, and this period feels like a past life, because now I can’t even pronounce my name without stuttering. But at a certain point, namely at the age of 16, some stressful situations happened (I don’t want to go into details, but this is family related). It knocked me out. This stressful time happened right at the time of high school, when I graduated from music school, stopped attending church and all my time actively studied for exams. At that moment, the stuttering came back to me with a double force and became very hard. Due to severe difficulties with communication, I was so ashamed that I began to move away from people, my former friends, speaking on public and every exit from the house gradually began to turn into hell due to anxienty and panic attacks. I plunged into a depression (in the mentality of my country, depression is not considered to be something serious, so I did not even think that it was worth asking for help, even though I felt very bad). Imperfect speech influenced the choice of university. I realized that with zero speech and lost social skills I would not be able to study where I wanted so I gave up my dream and started preparing to enter the Faculty of Economics despite the fact that mathematics and numbers are the most difficult thing in the world for me. I was able to enter, but I have very strong problems with my studies and every day I think about expulsion, but I decided to complete my studies, because I don’t know what to do with my life in case of expulsion. I had hopes that with the move to the city to study, my life would return to normal by itself. But the miracle didn't happen. I became even more closed, despite the fact that people around me are understanding and I have never been bullied again. I am grateful that I am surrounded by kind people at the university now. Despite this, I closed myself too much, and I no longer have any desire and strength to contact society. I still haven't turned to a speech specialist or a psychologist, and I don't know how to force myself. Today I am 19 years old. I have a very severe stutter that has become accompanied by nervous facial tics and chronic lung pain. Also i suffer from migraines every day. Panic attacks appear every time i leave my home. To be honest, I almost resigned myself to this way of life that I stopped trying to do anything. I only visit classes at the university, I read a lot, I study English, I help my parents with the farm, I am alone in my room almost all the time, and unfortunately, I lost my job due to the crisis in the country and I am actively looking for a new part-time job, but I can’t find it yet something that would not involve communicating with people. Feel myself broken, but there is hope that I can still change everything and my life will one day be meaningful and social. I also can’t help but share my small victories: I’ve been sober for more than a month and stopped harming myself 3 months ago. I hope I never go back to this. Today I finished the 2nd course and it will be 45 days of vacation. There will be a lot of free time. I want to devote it to restoring my speech and emotional state with the help of some actions. Here's what I'm going to do every day: 1) Slow reading aloud 2) Breathing exercises 3) Articulation exercises 4) Meditations and spiritual practices (in general I want to delve into the topic of spiritual growth, i like it and it can be helpful) 5) Return to music. Start playing piano and guitar again, sing a lot (challenge: 1 day - 1 cover), keep making some synthwave and post-punk beats in the program like i used to 6) Start going to church again and return to God 7) A lot of movement and physical effort (running, hiking, different exercises) 8) Proper nutrition 9) Establish sleep patterns 10) Keep a diary of thoughts and feelings I know it would be more effective to try to fit back into society by practicing speech with real people in order to overcome logophobia, but I feel like it hurts me even more. I also hope that I will contact a speech specialist in the near future. Thanks to everyone who read this long post. I haven't said anything about my problem anywhere yet. But now I feel how much easier it has become for me. I really wanted to share my story with someone. I hope I don't give up and the above actions will be the part of every day of my life. After some time, I will definitely write back how this lifestyle was reflected on me. I hope these everyday actions will be very helpful.