How NOT to deal with stuttering. (Very long story)

How NOT to deal with stuttering. (Very long story) TLDR at the end if you don’t have the time. I’ve had this written down for over a year and I figured I may as well just share it since I recently found it and decided to keep it. My lack of wanting to speak out loud transfers quite unfortunately into the internet so I just lurk instead. Regardless, I’ve noticed a lot of younger people in this subreddit over the last few years and maybe it’s a helpful read for someone whether they contribute or just lurk. Sorry but this will be super long but maybe someone will benefit from it or have similar experiences.   I believe one of the worst things you can do with your stutter is to do what I have done for my entire life and still continue to do to some degree. To be honest with myself i’m probably just as bad. The amount of regrets I have is unimaginable and it makes me emotional just thinking about it which is why I'm extraordinarily good at just ignoring things. It’s a blessing and a curse which has arguably kept me alive.   I’ve stuttered for as long as I can remember and up until a few years ago it never improved at all. I also had never made any attempts to improve. When I was younger, not only did I stutter but I was unable to pronounce a lot of English sounds. Sounds like “TH”, “W”, “V”, “B”, “G”, “L”, “R” were so bad when I was under 6 or 7 that my parents had to basically learn another language to understand me. I still have slight issues with “R” sounds to this day but everything else is fine as far as my family tells me. Up until 3rd grade I spent a few days a week in special ed. with a speech therapist which helped my pronunciation but I don’t even recall if we even discussed stuttering or had the time for it. I barely spoke a single word outside of those therapy sessions so never had any friends at all.   Shortly after that my Dad got a job opportunity in Europe so we lived there for two years before coming back to a nearby city where I was born in the U.S. My “acquaintance” during my international school was a Japanese kid who barely spoke any English which didn’t matter since I never spoke anyway. I also started playing Runescape at home during this time which I would play every day (with the chat off) to hide myself from the outside world.   When I returned to the U.S., I started reading a ton of books and got in all the AP/Honors classes with the sole purpose of getting away from the “mean” kids. I consider myself lucky as I was never bullied at all. If anything I was the most protected kid in school as I was considered that “nice, quiet kid who had his head in a book” who said nothing but would give you a pencil if you needed one. My heart breaks for those of you who have had to deal with bullying. Most people didn’t even know I stuttered because of how little I talked. Looking back, even at the cost of bullying, I would probably wish people did but who am I to say since I never really experienced it to begin with. Kids would try to talk to me who probably would want to be friends but I would typically just blow them off. This is also when I recognized one of the worst aspects of stuttering and my speech patterns. I could literally not say my own name properly because of the deadly combo of stuttering and struggling with “R” sounds. Imagine trying to talk to people and have to write down what your name is. That is why I never talked and never made any friends. I regret the fact that classmates tried hundreds of times throughout the years but I would never make any attempt to actually have a friend.   This extended all the way through to the start and finish of high school. During the 1st year of high school I would eat lunch at my sister’s table and when she graduated the same year, I would eat lunch in the back of the library while reading books for the remaining 3 years. The only sport I did was cross country as there was no expectation of talking and never did track because I could never bring myself to be around so many more people than just the small team of runners. Oddly enough during classes, my teachers would never call on me which part of me wishes they would have. I think they understood that I never wanted to talk but I kind of wish they forced me too. I would say so few words that I had an excel spreadsheet where I would list the number of words that would come out of my mouth on a daily basis. I can’t think of a worse unintentional game you could play. The record lowest was 84 for the entire month of September in 2011 if you wanted to know.   The only talking I ever did was at home which was a struggle for my parents. “How was school?” always had a “It was fine.” as a response. The end of highschool also was the first time I started trying to improve my speech and lessen my stuttering. I spent hours upon hours practicing saying my own name which is as ridiculous as it sounds. My stuttering was a slight improvement over what it was like when I was younger but still basically just as bad. I got accepted into college and the business program I wanted to go to after failing the interview portion twice, mind you. I also forced myself to start working at a catering company courtesy of my sister who got me into the door. I wanted to get better at talking and what better way than be forced to talk to coworkers and clientele on a daily basis. That first year of college I talked more than I ever talked before probably combined if I'm ignoring the times when I’m just talking with family.   My stuttering turned almost entirely into stammering and blocks where I block myself from repeating to give myself time to think of another variation of words that I won’t stutter on. The first year of my business school was arguably the worst year of my life but also the most beneficial to myself. On a weekly basis I was forced to have group presentations and do a lot of public speaking. The anxiety, stress, and depression was so much that I got C’s and D’s in every single other class. I would stay up overnight before every single presentation and test and push myself through it. Despite this, the improvement I saw over this single semester was absolutely insane and I wish I had the videos of the presentations. I still am not a fan of public speaking but to say I am capable and could handle it is amazing in and of itself. The following semester I had to retake a few classes and for the next few years I would barely pass every single class. I had a major GPA of 2.0, didn’t get any externships or internships, and didn’t get any job offers for my major. Imagine hiring someone with terrible grades but also the inability to speak well. I know I probably wouldn’t so I got no hard feelings.   Throughout this I was still working for the catering company and was getting to the point of being well respected and was helping lead large events. Towards the last few years in college I had gathered a fair amount of “acquaintances” who I would sit next to and talk to but I would still never consider any of them to be friends. Regardless of my stuttering, I still was not your typical college student as I don’t drink alcohol because I know my depression won’t mix and I hate music. Not very good qualities to have as a friend in my college unfortunately. Thankfully, I did an extra year in college to get my masters and was given a chance by a sole practitioner related to my major who I worked for 2 years with and even helped me get into the decent job I have today.   As a final note, I feel like all of my issues that continue today all stems from hiding my stutter and making sure no one even knew I had one. It’s something I regret so much and I missed out on so many opportunities and experiences because of it. If I can leave you with anything from my experiences, try to not let your stutter dictate your life because it did for me and I regret it. Anyways, thanks for reading it all if you did.   TLDR: It’s long so I don’t blame you. If you think your stutter will just magically disappear without ever putting any effort in to improve it then you can’t be any more wrong. The worst thing you can do is avoid talking at all costs. I stuttered so I never talked which means I never made any friends which never put me in a position to improve my stutter. My stutter only improved when I forced myself into difficult positions that would give me no other choice but to speak a lot. Does this mean that stuttering is not an issue for me now? No, I still block myself on a daily basis but it no longer stops me from doing anything that I want. Do I have friends now? No, but I've lost my willingness to care or try a long time ago, as sad as it sounds. I’m still young though so who knows. Don’t dig yourself a hole when you're young because it gets a lot harder to climb out as time goes on and I've just recently started my journey out.