I get that. I learned a lot of behaviors that I had gathered I used to protect me from everything. I just got so tired of it (and drinking myself to sleep gets old real quick). Being the "alpha" is overrated, too. Nothing wrong with not being the most popular or social person. I'm certainly not, but I'm fine with that. I lost most of the protective behaviors by choice. (I won't lie, I still use them sometimes. Even a boxer gets a break between rounds, a Jesuit once told me.) All this takes time and effort, but it can work. Notice the successes, too, not just the failures. That has been important for me. Good luck brother!