Hi I just wanted to say I am so sorry you're going through this. You're def not alone, I know that suffocating feeling all too well. I know the feeling of trying to fix things and feeling hopeless because nothing seems to change. I know feeling broken, pathetic, lonely, different, and the depression that tends to follow. For me, it was all throughout middle school and high school, though recently I finally feel like I can breathe a little more freely. The first thing I want to say is that you're so so so much more than just your speech impediment, so much more than just your feelings and thoughts. You are wonderful, beautiful, messy, complex, lovable human being in your own right. Accepting and loving yourself is hard stuff, I know, especially when you go through emotionally traumatic experiences all throughout your life and have never felt safe in yourself before. But having a stutter never was your fault. Feeling broken was never your fault. If anything, all of society is complicit for failing you and everyone else who's had to suffer because of their speech impediments. Working against those negative thoughts and caring for yourself as you've always wanted to be cared for enables you to feel a little freer, a little more confident, a little more courageous. Secondly, I think what also helps is having someone else who will let you speak and listen to you without judgement. But I know it's very hard to find a friend like that--a good therapist could be an option as well. Do you have anyone in your life who you know you can trust and talk to deeply about your struggles? And I mean truly, like someone who cares for you deeply and won't judge you for letting all your emotions out if need be. Having someone like that is such a huge help. If you're not comfortable like that with anyone, maybe you can do it anonymously with a penpal or such? That's what I did as well. And if you want, you can PM me too... we can be penpals sorta! :] Stay strong OP!