First timer.... too much to finally say after 37 years of not sharing with other stutter/stammer folk and I’m happy to feel comfortable sharing now....

First timer.... too much to finally say after 37 years of not sharing with other stutter/stammer folk and I’m happy to feel comfortable sharing now.... My stutter/stammer (as I exhibit both at different times), defines me. But really it is only me that defines me by that. I’m 37, male, youngest of 4 boys, and the amount of people I’ve openly discussed my speech pathology with can be counted on two hands. According to my mom, I first exhibited speech ‘issues’ when my two older brothers went to college. I was 7. I had attachment issues with my mother (my earliest memory is banging on the window at kindergarten and wailing for my mom not to drive away - not sure it’s relevant but I hope you guys will read my whole post, I’ve spent so long keeping things in that when I can speak without stops/twitches/or repetition, I feel like tape has been removed). And that’s something the internet offers that is lifesaver for some of us I’m sure. I didn’t realize I had a problem with words until 5th grade. When it was my turn to continue reading aloud I couldn’t get a sound out and I freaked out inside. I played DUMB! Like I lost my space on the page and had to continue that horrible charade for the remainder of classes that I had to read out loud. Then I hit puberty, my voice became a bass and I went to a very progressive high school that fostered self esteem where I didn’t realize there was none. I adapted in a year. Through slight manipulations or lead sounds, I could speak and read at will without much concern. I know I am a lucky one. I know this is not possible for some. I consider my stutter minor in practice...but it is a black hole internally for me. In high school I discovered my love of public speaking and acting and in the numerous dramas and musicals and speech competitions, I never stopped on a syllable. I know I’m lucky to have been able to do that. I’m grateful. So grateful. But it was always in my mind, the fear, waiting to creep out and humiliate me. In the first 25 years of my life, I openly stuttered (not by choice) with 5 people - my parents and three older brothers. When I got to college I realized the most devastating part of my speech impediment... if I try to be myself and speak like I know intend to, that’s when the words don’t come out. So EVERY conversation outside of home became a stage script in a sense. I said the words I wanted to, but never in the exact way I wanted to say them. But hey, it was better than letting my secret out. I think 4 people have asked me if I have a stammer in my life, and I laughed each of them off and always cited my stage success as proof that I couldn’t possibly have a speech issue.). The next person I ever talked to about it was my wife after I proposed, and she said she never noticed, but I knew that with comfort, came stuttering and she loves me just as much and I told her family. And what I realized is, if you don’t talk about it or admit to it, then you are betraying yourself, but when you tell people, they politely say it’s not a big deal. Well the can’t stand hearing a stutter or stammer and I can fully empathize with the speaker. I don’t think I’m self loathing but I cringe at the sound of others and of course it’s because it reminds me of what I may sound like. My way around stuttering makes me sound more gruff than I intend to be and arrogant has been used to describe my speech pattern many times. It’s a no win. I feel for everyone here and I hope you know there are people that know what you go through. I’m 37 and I think about how I will talk to my children someday. I know the pain, the shame, the confusion that many of you experience ever minute of every day. For now, just know that I’m here to listen. Vent, call me and we can stutter together and see the world won’t end, but please, know there are people here that care.