Still not used to it

Still not used to it You would think after all these years with a stutter (am 19) am already used to it so it doesn't bother me. Am not. I still punch the pillow and wall. I still wish I were dead after a bad block like when I was 16, 12, 9(ok 9 is probably too young). Am still as socially anxious. I still hate myself. I still feel like a burden to my parents and liability to friends. I still get sleepless nights. Am still single haha. I still watch the stupid youtube videos on how to stop stuttering. Am still not used to it.