Content
I'm tired of this Hi, this is my first post here, but I’ve been reading your posts for a long time. I’m a 19 years old boy and I’m tired of it all. I wish I could function normally, but I’m not able to. For me it’s a nightmare to buy anything in a non-self-service store. I buy everything in supermarkets or on the touch-screens. Lately my stuttering has gotten worse, utter a word takes a dozen seconds. I have online lessons now and when the teacher checks the attendance list and comes to my name, there is only silence, and I’m fighting with the block, tongue presses against the roof of my mouth, head is shaking, and finally, after a long time I’m saying ,,I’m here”. The teacher asks ,,why didn’t you say this faster?” BECAUSE I F\*CKING COULDN’T (obviously I didn’t say this to her, I made up a excuse that my internet crashed). Recently the teacher asked me if I had an assignment done. I turned on my microphone and I wanted to say ,,no” (I had it done, but I didn’t want to read it) and… nothing. I felt my larynx grew hard, and I only moved my lips with no voice. Recently I started avoiding lessons where I know I will have to talk (especially foreign languages) or I pretend that my microphone doesn’t work. All this makes me feel sad and frustrated all the time. My speech is falling apart, my stuttering techniques are failing, and in the second semester I will have more speaking and verbal exam. I know that I will never find a job that I’m really happy with, I only find the one where speaking is kept to a minimum. My biggest dream is fluent speaking. I wish I could order a meal in restaurant, talk, joke. I have sometimes a fluently seasons, but it is never ,,true” fluency, it’s only increases the number of words I can say. When I speak and go to a word which have a difficult letter for me (p,b are the worst) I change it to a synonym. Sometimes my sentences are completely illogical because of this. But I meant something different. I don’t even have anyone to tell all this to, because no one will really understand me, so I wanted post it here. And I’m sorry for my English, I use my knowledge and Google Translate. I hope that this text is understandable. A lots of health to everyone