commentr/StutterMay 9, 2022

Content

For me, this tactic 'worked' for 25+ years.I learned this through fear and embarrassment because I had adult family members who would make fun of me... "Ju-Ju-Ju- just g-g-g-et it out stu-stu-stu-stupid." The repetitive comments from everyone in my life "Slow down, THINK about what you're going to say before you say it, breathe. Slow down and think." However, it has led to severe anxiety because I 'rehearse' entire conversations and make an effort to keep the conversation going as I rehearsed. It progressed to the point where I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about conversations that may or may not happen. Planning hours in advance to days, weeks and months before I had to talk to someone. I.e. Going to the doctor. I was planning the conversation in my head a month before my appointment. Attempting to think of what the doctor was going to say and having an answer ready. And when the conversation didn't go as I planned the stutter comes out, I say words that have no context in the conversation but I know I could say them without stuttering. My favorite is the word "FU*K." Another downfall for me was I was not listening to whoever was talking, I was in my head preparing to say something. I was not present with the people I was talking to. It's like acting and I'm writing the script but no one else can read it but they have to go along. And when it goes off script the frustration sets in. But the bottom line is I was pretending to be someone who is normal. Someone who does not stutter. And that's not me. I am a person who stutters and if someone doesn't want to listen, fuck them. No more rehearsals, no more pretending. Now I am relaxed enough to stutter and that's ok. I can finally say what I want to say without rephrasing my thoughts to something I can say. I have never felt like myself until I stopped "saying it three times in my head." The fear is going away. The frustration is going away. The embarrassment is going away. The stutter is coming back. I am coming back.

Themes

Anticipation & AvoidanceEmotional ExperienceIdentity & Disability

Subthemes

Avoidance & SubstitutionHiding & ConcealmentOverthinking & MonitoringShame & EmbarrassmentFrustration & AngerAuthenticity vs. Masking