Stuttering is utterly depressing (rant)

Stuttering is utterly depressing (rant) Note: Just want to vent, I'm not trying to invalidate all your positive experiences or viewpoints. Being very self-aware and stuttering sucks. It puts you at a disadvantage in almost all social situations and I feel less worthy than my peers. I'm trying to spice up an (already awkward) conversation by telling a joke. I begin to stutter while telling it. Either people just dismiss I was saying something and talk about something else. Or the joke is just dead because it didn't come out fluently. How you say something is a big part of its influence. I can't tell if it's impatience/annoyedness or if people get irritated and just talk about something else. I'm in a university online study group (due to corona) where we get put into 5-6 person groups. Everyone casually talks about non-related stuff. I'm just idling there maybe writing some problem set solutions down on the digital whiteboard. I've become so anxious about talking that I'm just muted all the time. Trying to buy something at the bakery. For some reason I get a speech block. The cashier gets confused and people behind me, being in a rush, think I'm wasting their time on purpose. Well, at least I got my chocolate croissant somehow :D I have some friends who know I have a stutter and they tell me it's okay, they still like me just like before. Yes, maybe. Notice I didn't stutter 4-5 years ago. But what I also notice is that I'm getting invited less, forget about more and it seems like I'm no fun anymore. I could talk hours about deep stuff, which people value me for. But a lot of the time people want to hang out and have fun. To recapitulate, socially and professionally im at a big ass disadvantage. I guess people also realize I get angry about my stutter which makes the situation even more awkward. It would definitely be better if you'd stutter but not hate yourself for it. I developed strong social anxiety due to it and have become withdrawn. Now I have two problems to deal with. Fixing social anxiety and the stutter all while going down an academic path. They're intertwined. Before somebody asks, yes I've been to CBT for 2 times now. </rant>