Not sure if this is the right sub for your post. Nevertheless, as someone who was in a similar place mentally as you are now and who had similar thoughts of self-rejection/self-hate, you should seek professional psychological treatment if you have the possibility in your country. I had (and still have) a severe stutter who has been in speech therapy for more than a decade. But all the speech therapy in the world doesn’t help if you don’t get better mentally. I know it sucks and makes life hell sometimes. But remember, if you choose to fight you can lose. If you don’t choose to fight, you have already lost.