You sound like you have a lot of self hate and self shame. I'd really recommend if you live in the US to go check out the NSA or start listening to www.Stuttertalk.com. The stutterers who don't give a flying fuck (they do give a fuck, they just dont sit there wallowing in it) didn't just magically come with that personality. They worked to get to a place where they no longer felt like complete crap everytime they stuttered. It's not some miraculous personality trait you are born with. You can change yourself if you search for your options and put in the work. From all the stutterer's i've known, the greatest abuse isn't a severe stutter itself, it's the fear and shame imprinted on you by those around you.