I totally feel this. When I was young I stuttered really severely, to the point of an adrenaline rush of fear, making it feel like it lasts forever... Those sensations, ticks, gasps and sore muscles (from blocking all day) are burned into my memory. I don't like the fact that I stutter, but I do. It has affected the person that I've become - for better and worse. The thing is this - I do have regrets. Being terrified of "trying anyway" in situations that I better understand now - in hindsight - it would have been worth it at times. My point is this - these are memories that I have, and I have emotions about them. It hurts. Kinda like the emotional pain that I feel after stuttering in front of someone that I don't know, and may not even want to talk to me. Regardless, it's a conversation that I have. How old are you? I'm 36 so I can't claim "I'm riddled with arthritis" but I do have some aches and pains in my hips. When I go hiking it does hurt a little, but I can manage. It might hurt a lot oat the end of they day but it was worth it - because I got outside, saw some nature and got some exercise. I guess I'm trying to say, focus on living your life and not how you talk or think you sound or anything like that. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm struggling with this (and more) right now. I'm going through a divorce and have very few friends in the city I live in, I struggle to build relationships and I'm trying to build a new life for myself. I lived in another city for 7 years, I have no friends from that time period. Try to not make stuttering a focal point of your life, it's already more central than any(most?) of us care for it to be.