we're doing a theatre workshop this semester, and the auditions are today, but I'm too scared to tryout.

we're doing a theatre workshop this semester, and the auditions are today, but I'm too scared to tryout. I'm studying English, and one of my courses for this semester is Theatre Workshop. Here, they basically divide the class into three groups and give each group a different play to produc, then each group has to decide among themselves who gets to act, who's the director, who're the backstage people, costumers, promoters, ticket sellers, etc. Anyway, that's just unnecessary detail. Today's auditions, but I'm too scared to go. I've always wanted to be on stage, and perform, but my stutter is just... in the way. In my regular everyday interactions I already feel crazy embarrassed when I mess up, and sending voice notes is a nightmare. those feelings of breathlessness and the awkward pauses in conversation are just so 🫠💔 that's why I prefer dancing cause there's no talking, just performing. and it's fine talking to my classmates or friends or family, cause they get me, but in front of hundreds of strangers I just might as well die. also, I don't want the whole production to look bad cause of me. I know if I tell my friends or my family they'll just encourage me and tell me it doesn't mean anything and I should still try to audition regardless. but they don't understand the kind of intense self-loathing that fills me when I block or have to shake my head or hit myself to get the words out. I can't afford to do that on stage and ruin it for everyone as well.