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is there any hope for me currently crying in bed as i write this but i'm a high school student and i started out okay in my previous years in terms of social confidence and speaking to people despite, but in this recent school year particularly things have gotten a lot worse for me and i've resorted to switching between either selective mutism or repeating generic responses to things that i know i can say right. it feels like my life is going to be ruined because i can't fucking talk (i want to become a psychiatrist). no doubt, it's been doing wonders for my self esteem. i've done everything i can to make myself feel like i'm *something*, devoting myself to my academics and specific hobbies. but every time i open my mouth it's just a constant reminder of how utterly useless i am. no matter how hard to try to prove otherwise, in the end i'm just a fucking retard. i can't order at a coffee shop. i can't hold conversations with my friends. my already strained relationship with my parents gets worse and worse because i physically cannot talk to them. i can't meet new people irl. i can't tell the people i love that i love them.i can't even ask a question in class. i'm so done. i'm so fucking done because there is no way i can even live like this anymore. why the fuck did god or whatever the fuck governs my life strip away the fundamental right that all humans should have that is the ability of speech. i want to live without hating myself but i just can't, it's like my whole existence just screams out "pathetic" into the world. there is so much that i can do and so much that i want to do but i just can't. every day is torture. i've tried to kill myself because of this so many times and it just never fucking works. and every time i find some joy in existence, this fucking curse just takes it all away. in the words of whatever author it is that i forgot the name of, 'i have no mouth and i must scream'.