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Feeling a little nervous Received a call for an interview. I've to travel quite far. I've not travelled that far and I don't mind doing it but my speech blocks make me anxious and turns me into a different person when I'm out. I also have to communicate in the national language which is my main problem. I start trembling internally due to which I find it difficult to speak. Feeling anxious. I want to overcome this but when I'm out in the public, I become a different person, kind of a nervous wreck. When I'm by myself or during the evenings and into the night, I'm more confident but I want to be normal. I can't go on living like this. I wish I was in a different country where this language problem wouldn't make me dysfunctional. I can speak the language very well but when I open my mouth, I struggle and embarrass myself. Once before I was fluent in this language but with time, I've lost touch and am struggling internally, failing to live a normal life on the outside. The problem is when I open my mouth even when I know the word, I can't get it out and it feels so frustrating making me look dumb. I can't discuss matters on call even though I want to, all because I can't utter those words. I feel terribly inferior when I hear my sibling talk about work-related matters when they pick up calls and speak without hesitation. I envy those who speak fluently without any inhibitions. If I want to say the words that begin with I, E, U, O, A, I've to use alternatives. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to say the words I want to. International, agency, education I don't want to avoid using such words even the names of countries that begin with these letters. Due to my inability to speak without hesitation, I end up saying stupid things as if my mind and my intelligence take a break at that time and later I think about it when I'm back to being my confident self making me feel guilty. I can't share this with my family. They are all fine when it comes to speaking, same is the case with my partner. I hate pretending to be fine when I'm not. I just want to be normal. I want to go places without having to be accompanied by someone (obviously safety is a concern so I won't be allowed to that extent), I just want to be able to take the public transport even to a shop or to run a few errands. I feel guilty that I can't be an adult. If I'm to take the public transport, I freeze the moment I'm asked 'where to' I've been humiliated at school mainly for my speech blocks which is why I can't accept this as a part of my life. I've to at least consult or speak to someone about my school life trauma. I have the skill, I can be so much productive but I become so dumb even when I've to speak other languages on call or in person due to tension I sense my blocks and I can't speak in English at times and I've been speaking it all my life. I can't eat, do the things that make me happy all because I start feeling guilty. This language problem due to my speech blocks is ruining my life. It's like a scar that's on my mind. I've got nobody to vent to. That's why I come here to share my feelings with like-minded people. Thanks for reading.