Post Fluency - How not to be an outsider?

Post Fluency - How not to be an outsider? Am new to this subreddit but like everyone here it's a subject that's close to my heart. I'm 37 and have always had a stutter. There is no living memory before having one and though I'd consider myself fluent now it's still there, in moments. I'm okay with that. I did speech therapy, then elocution and eventually at 17 went on a weekend residential for the Maguire Program. It transformed my understanding of something I had always seen as a curse or a disease. I was unfortunate in that not only students but a teacher I had aged 9-11 that would routinely make fun of me both to the class and behind my back to other students. I only ever knew to have a chip on my shoulder about it, and never socially integrated, I was always an outsider. So I studied Drama at uni and got a degree and made myself get on stage and be fluent... I work in an office now, a few years away dealing with very treatable cancer landed me in excel spreadsheet design and for the first time in my life a job where I don't have to serve at a counter or sell or a phone or give guided tours. ​ And yet, I separated from a partner of 6 years around December of 2018 and spent all of last year working from home in self-imposed solitary confinement. I couldn't even face-up to using dating apps and in the twelve months have maintained three friendships and even then I struggle to understand how I deserve their approval. I've blown up, at times very deliberately, almost every friendship I've ever had. I've never once leaned on the truth that as bad a person as people think I am they will never hate me as much as I do. I am intelligent and know that I shouldn't and yet here I sit alone in the world with my cat trying to understand why am not okay with myself. I know it's that frightened 10 year old trapped in the classroom being laughed at. I don't know, of all the people in the world - And I don't keep other social media accounts, not actively - I only usually use reddit for talking about tv shows and completely superficial stuff, but maybe it is because of my stutter, even in fluency, that I'm so disconnected from everything. Have taken leave from work for mental health purposes and talked to my Doctor, it's all in the works, I just wanted to echo my voice out to those who might really understand what I mean. Do you feel like an outsider still, in adulthood? Do you self sabotage friendships and relationships? You're not alone, I don't think I am either. ​ ​ Love, respect and happiness in 2020, to all. Even if no-one sees this I feel better for sharing it with the community.