Hi! im sorry this happened to you. I’m actually just like you. I used to stutter every now and then from kid-adulthood where i will just struggle repeating sounds or syllables until i can say it. actually even back then it was mortifying already when i have to speak in a class setting when i was still in school. i made it such a big deal that i would stutter like that. however now im 29 and i was able to survive presentations in college even though i stuttered or have a tendency to do it but here i am in a different country and having to learn a new language has definitely made me relieve my “phobia” of speaking because of my stutter. in 2 years to living abroad, i basically just became more self aware and anxious about my stuttering. i speak fluent english but if i have to explain further and at least 2 people are listening i stutter. back then my stutter was just when i was about to perform a report in class but now it happens even when im meeting someone for the first time or when im actively making friends with someone. i used to have some “blocks” to back then where i cant seem to say the word but it was not often but now that i got so anxious i basically keep having it almost at every word or phrase…. i also tense up now and sometimes have to look the other way so i can get it out. the blocks are so obvious now! i think its actually getting in the wag of making friends because i think they are secretly judging me. im so sad. i actually had to drop out of language class last year because of stuttering and fear of embarrassment. without the language requirement i cant work. also i know have social anxiety due to fear of embarrassing myself as a stutterer. it got worse now because i associated mere speaking now as a trigger for my anxiety. i want to turn this back around. i used to be very outspoken, extroverted, friendly, independent, but due to the anxiety caused by stuttering i became so self aware that i will always think what others think of me. instead of relaxing and just chill every time i talk to a person i meet i always impress (meaning i have to hide my stutter) i actually went to a speech therapy last year and my therapist said that it seems like i kept my stutter as a secret. im working so hard to hide it but if it comes out then just let it be. as hard as it can be, i just need to not make a big deal of it. if i have to meet someone i have to say it before hand that i stutter and it may happen just to get it all out and not think about it. she also said that i need to stop thinking about what other people thinks of me. instead i need to think about what i what to say like pay attention more to the contents of what i want to say. i know it all but its so hard to implement it in my life. I only went there 5x because the owner of the speech therapy didnt accept the referral from the ENT dr who gave me the prescription for speech therapy because it was too late and it took a while before i can get it. i had to pay 600€ out of pocket. I didnt go there anymore because the owner has no sympathy even though i liked the speech therapist…. now im looking for another one but its gonna take a while because there’s a waiting list for those who accept public insurance. I also finally got a spot in the psychologist and will start cognitive behavior therapy to ease my anxiety that i associated to speaking. With all this I really hope that I become better and just become normal again. At the moment, I have a anxiety and depression because i felt so isolated abroad and i also felt frustrated from the multiple setbacks i faced such as fear fo rejection (meeting up new people), having to quit language school due to stuttering, speech therapy that i have to pay out of pocket. etc I actually met at least 4 different people here and we were fast friends however i think when my stuttering got more apparent, think they are judging me so that affected me mentally. I got bullied in the past when at least 2 classmates in both elementary and college pointed out why i speak this way and some “friends” who made a joke about it really affected the way i viewed this disability. Since then it became a secret I want to hide. But now I need to change this mindset because its taking over my life. Come to think of it, this condition is not life threatening and if i stutter such as repeat syllables or having a block its not the worse thing in the world. I know its hard to think of it that way but i guess i have to suck it up. I hope there is a support group about stuttering… I live in Germany right now.