Stuttering is taking over my life again...

Stuttering is taking over my life again... Before I dump this essay for anyone to read, I just want to say that it's more of a vent/rant and self-expression than anything else. I appreciate advice and comments, but I just want to brain dump how stressful life can be with a stutter. It's not just the fact I stutter, it's the the fact that it is so unpredictable and teeter-totters phases and moments of pure bliss to pure misery in my life so quickly without giving me the time to process what's going on. ​ I'm a stutterer who goes from being fluent to being unable to speaks from a varying degree, which can be from days to weeks to months. The grace periods of fluency make no logical sense to me other than the sheer basic factors of less stress and more sleep. But really, it does not make sense to me how I can suddenly become so fluent out of the blue and finally express myself and begin to feel joy in life knowing I can say what I want and fucking communicate like a normal human being without feeling tied down by the knot in my mouth, my stomach and my brain. I am able to excel at work and actually contribute meaningfully verbally and demonstrate confidence and clarity with my articulation and verbal engagement. But when my stutter comes back (like the past while), I am a shy, mute guy that nods his head and smiles and says *okay okay and yes yes* to everything. I'm not young and I'm not old, but I also know the generic advice is to *not let it hold you back*. Dude how the fuck am I supposed to not let it hold me back when I physically feel held back when I can't get the first word of my sentence out without slapping my tongue around my mouth for almost a few minutes. Does the world really expect you to grimace your face like you're having a stroke and start ticking just to communicate? Do you really think the majority of people in the workforce and real world will take you seriously and say *oh my this guy deserves a raise and a promotion because he's just so confident twitching his face and blinking profusely to say one word! Oh my what a confident stud!* It's gotten to the point where it's not even depressing, it's just numbed me knowing that I live my day to day life on the bring of uncertainty. I'm in my mid 20s and always dreamed of excelling and reaching the top of the corporate world and **making it**. I live my life by faking it. Every time I try to say a sentence, I'm staking it. I have little crumbs of ego remaining which I care for to the best I can because I just see this impediment as something so much more than a disability. ​ I've always been optimistic, but when the moments of shame are right there in your face, it's just so damn hard lol. I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I'm just going to keep going and hope it get's better. That's life. Full of fucking uncertainty. That's also stuttering, full of more fucking uncertainty. ​ Thanks.