You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. Other people being relentlessly positive is no good when you're in that place. I've been there. On the other hand, when people have been through loads of shit and come out the other side with more natural positivity, they want to share it with others to give them hope. For many that hope is something to grab onto and move toward feeling better. For others, it's like having something which people say is wonderful dangled out of reach, which only reinforces the despair. Being somewhat of a pessimist, I tend toward the latter, and it seems you do too, judging by your words and your mood when you wrote them. I won't tell you not to pity yourself, because I was plagued by self-pity. I won't tell you not to despair, because I was plagued by despair. I won't tell you not to feel suicidal, because I have been suicidal many times. Telling someone not to feel what they are feeling is completely useless and is the antithesis of compassion. Having said that (and I've heard this a lot so it might be becoming cliche), while many of the problems in your life are not your fault, they are your responsibility. You can seek whatever help you need from others, but the chances of the solutions being handed to you on a plate are slim to none. ​ >some people will just hit rock bottom and stare down a fucking shotgun barrel until they realize they didn't have to fight themselves for so long. I've been there too (not literally with a gun but other methods). The thing is, I found that it wasn't necessary to fight myself all the time. There are perhaps two ways to end that kind of fight - the metaphorical (or literal) shotgun, or making peace with yourself. For a long time I blamed my stammer for problems which it was not the cause of. When I began my long journey of making peace with myself, introspecting and figuring out how and why I was in conflict with myself and resolving those conflicts, my speech improved and my mental health improved as well. Now, I don't write this to give hope necessarily, because God knows I couldn't feel hope in my darkest days, and the path I walk is not an easy one, nor is it as simple as 'resolving conflict'. Many people will probably think I'm bonkers. Everyone's path is different, and whatever way someone finds happiness or contentment, that's great. I just realised one day that when I have some inner conflict and try to speak, I stammer. The greater the conflict, the more severe the block. If any of that resonates with you, stop fighting yourself, look inward, get help, don't expect an easy ride because if you're anything like me, it will be painful, but definitely worth it. It's making peace with yourself, endless struggle, or the gun.