I’m knocking on 50 years of stuttering. Lots of pain and disappointments. But… Also lots of victories as well. I won’t tell you how to feel. I won’t tell you it’s going to get better. I will tell you that despair and trauma can collapse your perspectives. You seem like you are a good writer… And you have a message. You and your suffering has value… Both to your growth and to others to follow. Never stop working on the things that you want to change/improve. Until then, just give yourself time to plumb your experiences for life lessons. Also, make it a point to try for little victories. You are not alone. You’re suffering is not unique. Others have endured… So can you.