I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling. I’m 32 and stutter as bad as I did when I first started at 4 at times. But now I don’t hit myself, hate myself, look for approval or understanding from others, I’m not mean to myself about it in my head. Here’s an example. I needed gas on pump 16. “10 on pump s-s-s-s(now with meaning) S-S-S” I laughed out of frustration which broke it. “On 16” I finally said. Now usually I would apologize and have guilt and shame, instead I said “you got to see the best of me tonight” it just came out of my lips without me even really thinking about it. I edified myself in that moment and the gesture was so kind to myself it made me tear up as I walked back to my car. You and I know, and anyone who stutters knows, that we who stutter are immensely brave and humble people. The sooner you stop hating your stutter and yourself the sooner the stuttering stops having control on you leading you to the end of your rope. When you give yourself credit and say “good job, that was hard” in your head after a bad block you will start to climb the rope of stuttering into a realm where stuttering is your greatest teacher and scope of the world. You may stutter your whole life but I hope you can look at it out of body and just know that it can be a wonderful tool for growth and deep love for yourself and others. Much love, hang in there