Probably every day since I was 15. I mean *probably* because the thought of not wanting to live, to have been born in a different life without a stammer, and reincarnating to a different life form are unconscious thoughts. Stuttering is the root cause of 99% of the problems I have in my life: depression, social anxiety, loneliness, emotional dependency, lack of communication, difficulty expressing my emotions, poor social life, not ever having a best friend, and mental exhaustion. It's exhausting to just live. Seriously, just ordering something at a restaurant, answering my phone, participating in class, reading aloud, asking a question, having a small talk, and literally anything that involves speaking is extremely exhausting and tiresome. It feels like walking with an unremovable heavy backpack for my entire lifetime while trying to exceed "normal people" expectations, like running a marathon in which everyone is a professional athlete meanwhile we stutterers are obese 60 year olds. Suicide preventers' main support and argument is "*everything in life has a solution, and every problem is temporary."* Spoiler: stuttering is generally permanent and drastically worsens our life experiences. No employer will ever have a bit of empathy and hire you in managerial positions where public speaking and seller-client interaction is a priority. No teacher cares about it and won't defend you from bullying. It's just not worth living. And I am saying all of this when I actually have a caring, non-judgmental nuclear family, a girlfriend since 2017, lots of friends, and enough money to live a decent life. But, common, speaking and social interaction is almost everything in life and it is extremely exhausting. Life is not worth living this way.