Sorry you had to go through this! When I was younger I definitely went through my "I'm never speaking again!" phase and I can tell you I was much more depressed. You're in orchestra, think of speaking like music. Let's say you play violin (or even guitar, I know it's not in orchestra). When you first start playing, it doesn't sound good AT ALL. Also whichever stringed instrument it is, your fingers definitely hurt because they don't have the callouses yet. They don't have the speed and strength you need, you suck at chord changes, and your strumming/bowing hand just doesn't want to cooperate. You'll never experience those if you decide to give up practicing all together, but as soon as you perform you'll feel it and experience it all over again. For us who stutter, practice helps us improve just like practicing music. There are some musicians who don't need to practice, pick up their instrument, and they're right where they left off. Some have to practice their entire lives to make sure they can just play the simple rhythm section of a song but still sometimes mess up. We're in that second group, and that's okay. What we have to say is important, not how we say it. You can do it! I encourage you to read "Self-Therapy for the Stutterer" by Malcolm Fraser. If you Google it, it's hosted for free on The Stuttering Foundation.