I am 45 and have had to brave it all till now. As I read through, I saw someone speaking from the debt of his heart. Your story aptly captures mine, but I told myself I will keep pushing. With marriage, inlaws and kids, it gets messier because a lot of people will get to understand you personally. Don't ever consider harming yourself bro. Get help, talk about it, get a bit outgoing, you will discover people need you. Many hugs buddy.