Something I still think about 15 years later

Something I still think about 15 years later In my sophomore year of college I did a 20 min presentation in a science class. This presentation was a big win for me. I stuttered a bit and had some blocks, but when I blocked, I just stayed calm and remembered my techniques and carried on (I had doing a lot of work on stuttering acceptance and mindfulness). My classmates really liked the presentation, they said it was really interesting and asked a lot of great questions. The rest of the day I was just euphoric. I felt like I was walking on air. I wanted to do more presentations to prove I could. I kept comparing it to what it would have been like a couple years previously in high school, where I would have blocked severely every 2 minutes and felt mortified and probably would have sat down before I was half finished and everyone would have been staring at me like I was a freak. So then a week later I was sitting in an advisor meeting with the professor from that class. He said my presentation was pretty good but I could improve my public speaking. I immediately got a sinking feeling in my stomach because I was so proud of myself for that presentation, and it was 10 million times better than it had been a couple years before (and I worked hard to get there!) He said in order to have a career in science you have to good at public speaking, I said “um” and paused too many times, I didn’t make enough eye contact and I didn’t seem confident. I tried to take this in stride because he was just trying to help, he didn’t know my background. But I figured I should be open with him since he was my advisor, so I said, “actually I have a stutter, and speaking is really really hard for me, but it’s gotten a lot better than it used to be. I’ve been working really hard on it.” Of course since I was a bit angry, I was fluent during this exchange, which didn’t help my case. Then he informed me that I actually didn’t have a stutter. He said he didn’t notice it and it “wasn’t the issue.” That made me so angry that I was literally speechless. Not in a stuttering way, just speechless like how people are when they are really angry. Where the hell did I even start in trying to explain what was going on? I didn’t really continue the conversation past that point. I let him lecture me more about public speaking then just left the office. So many times, I have replayed in my head what I should have said to him. So many things I could have said. But his ignorance was astounding, where to even start? I pictured him getting defensive and I had little faith that he could be made to understand. Also, the power dynamic. We were in finals week and he was giving out grades as we spoke and would continue to grade me for the next two and a half years. This was in 2009, maybe now there is a bit more awareness surrounding disabilities in college campuses. And honestly my story is pretty tame, I mean I wasn’t being openly made fun of or demeaned. It didnt impact my grades in the class. It was just run of the mill ignorance and arrogance with a dash of sexism. It sure got me down that day. It did injure my confidence for a while (ironically!!!!!! Since one of his criticisms was that I didn’t seem confident enough…) Even when you’re doing amazing, people will still get you down. That’s what the world does. They don’t even know they’re doing it, and their intentions are good. Alls well that ends well, I’ve since done many more great presentations and gotten to the point where stuttering barely affects my life (although I still do stutter).