I completely understand this feeling and I am really sorry that your hope has left you. I always try and remember that if I didn't stutter, something in my life would make me just as unhappy. Humans aren't meant to have great days every single day and everyone has issues to some degree. Stuttering feels so incredibly unfair at times but its a little comforting to know that people who don't stutter also enjoy spending time at home, watching movies alone etc. and they make mistakes in their life too which makes them feel just as shit on certain days. Its incredible that there have been days that you do feel happiness and feel like a king, regardless of how that came about. Live and keep your hope up if only for those days.