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Pent-up, unresolved anger I like to think that I have come far in my journey with stammering/stuttering - I push myself, I have a wide social circle, I finally was able to secure a graduate job in my dream law firm (this is not a brag, I just never thought I would be able to say those things! Just having my moment). Tonight I just came to a realisation that I have pushed aside so many awful moments that happen on a daily basis, at work, social settings, getting coffee! - Social reactions and micro-agressions towards stuttering are something that I have internalised and ignored and now I feel them all rushing back and I feel ANGRY! I ask myself why should I have to put up with it? Why do people feel comfortable laughing, snickering and jokingly mocking me when I begin to stutter - when I then go on to stutter more and it's clear that I did not just stumble over a few words or forget my name (how many times have we heard that one folks...) and they realise it is more than a fumble - everything changes. Their face drops, and they (in most cases) treat you differently. It is a depressing experience. What's worse is when you can see their eyes glaze over. You are no longer an important person to listen to, nothing you say must have any weight or importance due to your stutter ... By no means am I expressing a feeling of low self-esteem in regards to my stutter - I have felt that in the past but this anger comes from external reactions. Yes, yes I can hear you all saying "forget about it!" "don't let people dictate how you feel", and you would be right - in theory. However it is so hard when you experience this on a daily-basis. From well-meaning encouragement, sympathetic eyes to down-right intolerance - I feel I just don't deserve it. It is clear this is rooted in a lack of education and awareness, however this doesn't make me feel any better about the various scenarios I (we all) face. I know many people have it worse than me, don't get me wrong - I just despise feeling underestimated. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to be listened to, with full attention. Eye contact, clear interest, nothing more nothing less. Genuinely I just want the bare minimum. I have absolutely amazing periods in life of a few months at a time, then something triggers this feeling and I am hit with the realisation again - and it all comes flooding back to me, the many moments I have disregarded, the pain, hurt and unworthiness that comes along with these experiences. They may be small, but god do they represent a whole lot, and when you can examine them all together it just makes me want to shout from the rooftops and tell everyone to fuck off. I hate the resentment that this has instilled in me, I am a happy positive person (or so I think). This was a mere stream of consciousness, but also perhaps a beginning of something better, how can we turn this collective anger into something bigger, something productive? I really do want to make a change, if not for me, for others. People need to be educated and highly aware of stammering - like they are for so many other '*issues'\** (\*not to attach a negative connotation to stammering I just can't seem to find another word). Hope someone else feels the same. I'm not down, depressed, self-loathing ... I'm just pissed off.