First off: STOP beating yourself up about this. It was an accident, and accidents happen. Better still, it was an accident that occurred while you were trying to do the right thing. Secondly, speak to your Mum if you haven't already. Tell her how hard you tried to find it. She may show some emotions to begin with, which is to be expected. But, over time she'll be ok. And you'll be ok. You're going to college, that's amazing! You have a Mum who wanted to support you with your speech, that's so great to hear. And, it may take time, but she'll support you with this too. As the months and years go on, you'll slowly realise that your speech does not define you. Sure, some days suck, but they do for everyone! I hated school for the same reasons you're probably dreading college. But, the most important thing to remember is to talk to people. Involve your Mum in this journey. Be open to friends and family about your worries, your excitement, your fails and your wins. You reached out to this sub Reddit and we're listening. Go tell your Mum that you love her for supporting you. Go embrace college and enjoy the hell out of it, don't let your speech dictate who you are. Good luck and reach out again when you need it.