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Exhausted I'm done with trying. I'm done with all the struggling I've to experience in order to say a few words, sometimes ending up with different words even if I wanted to say something else. I really am fed up with everything. I can't even say the name of a country without inhaling a thousand times like I'm having some respiratory illness and it's affecting me so much emotionally. I look like some worthless piece of something when I can't even communicate properly. No matter how many times I think 'all this is fine, it's my life, I don't have to worry about other people's opinions etc etc' it never is good enough to keep me from breaking down. I know that it's not fine when I have to struggle so much and I can't even argue or speak my mind. I've noticed that my speech block has worsened to the point that I can't even speak to my mom without going silent for minutes (thankfully if her face is turned away from me and she isn't focusing or directly looking at me, she wouldn't have to see me putting in all the efforts in those couple minutes of silence trying to say the next word, so I'm not really silent I'd be fighting with my own self to get the rest of the words out) sometimes I just give up. I want to say so much but I can't. When I'm talking to myself when I'm alone I don't stutter or struggle at all. I've even slapped myself out of frustration because I really can't take it anymore (like when I'm reading something aloud when I'm alone and I stop at a word getting stuck on it and I totally lose it at that point). I feel like crying right now when I'm typing this. I don't stutter much like how anybody would perceive me to be. I can't utter the words that I want to and I go silent and sometimes I know that I wouldn't be able to say a certain word even when I speak so when I get to that word or when I have to say those words, I just can't. I try to speak but then all I get is these series and series of blocks. I can't say hello at times and then I can't say the name of an item that I want and I'm just so tired of living life this way. Whoever finds out that I have speech blocks I can tell that their respect towards me or the image they have about me changes and they see me as this incapable, lousy individual. I don't really know how to put this into words but I know for sure that the attention and respect a person gets when they speak just like others differs or alters when they can't utter words without going silent every now and then or even occasionally. The ones who can speak without any inhibitions or hesitations don't really and can never really understand the mind of a person that struggles to speak. I'm so so tired of all these, sorry about the lengthy post, nothing would help me at this point because I've been trying and I still am trying only to go through the same old things of emotional, mental and physical frustration.