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I just want someone to listen. I’m a 31 year old male living in NYC/ Long Island. I have a terrific job, great family, people say I’m good looking but I don’t think so, I’m not that tall (5’7”). I have had a stutter since I was about 7 years old. I’m actually a nice person but with my inability to speak properly, social interactions stress me out. I’m very out going as a person but the fear of being judged makes me acts like an asshole sometimes because it means that people would be less welcomed to start a conversation with me. When I start to stutter uncontrollably I can see the face people make and the awkwardness I make them feel. I just feel so trapped In this body. I try to slow my speech down but it’s not about it’s more about confidence than speech tempo. I also think that my brain is conditioned to stutter. It feels like there’s nothing I can do. It gets really bad when I have to speak Spanish(I’m bilingual). I feel like my family is disappointed in me because I don’t have a girlfriend, and when I did, she wasn’t a quality partner so my family didn’t approve of her. I and everyone around me knows I can do much better in my life. I’m always in a bad mood as a result of my social deficiencies. I always feel anxious, specially when I see people in public with their kids and romantic partners. I feel like I’m being robbed of that by this stutter. I feel like I’ve come so far in life but I’m not able to fully enjoy it because I have no one to share it with. I spend most of my time alone. I’ve considered going to therapy but it feels useless because I’m not a typical patient. I’m honestly at the point where I don’t care about anything, like literally anything could happen to me and I wouldn’t care. I’ve cuts my finger twice in the last 3 years and I don’t even care that it happened. I drive really fast and I even crashed once and I didn’t even care, even though the accident cost me 7k dollars. Life just feels so empty, I feel like this is a bad dream. I tried to date and I’ve gotten dates but they never last either because I get rejected or I do the rejecting. The last female I was involved with would tell me to slow my words. Little did she know I was actually not trying to talk fast, it just happened. To her credit she did seem to understand my condition but I knew for a fact that it was a turn off for her and rightfully so. I’m only 31 but I feel so dead. I feel like a dead man walking. Idk how I have do this for much longer. It keeps getting worse. I don’t enjoy living.