Do not kill yourself man. And I would almost guarantee that if you go out into public for a few months straight and stutter your but off on purpose, then you will be healed to a large extent. You are just holding your expression back and are fearful of stuttering. Stuttering isn’t painful. What’s painful is you trying to stop the stuttering. You gotta be like a wave in the ocean. It doesn’t try to change itself. It just unravels and does what it does without resisting its own self. At the end of the day you have to take responsibility for your own negative experience while stuttering. Because you are the one that trained yourself to believe that stuttering is bad. This is your opportunity to separate yourself from who you’ve been (a people pleaser that wants to fit in) and become who you wanna be (a confident man that speaks a bit different than others, but knows their worth). If you commit suicide just know that that would make you the biggest hater of people that stutter. I don’t think you would wanna be that. So start to love yourself man! And pray to the Lord! It says in the Bible that he directs our path! And start thinking of yourself as one of the males in the top part of the hierarchy. I would really recommend the Dave McGuire course. They have an inexpensive self help book on Amazon called “Beyond Stammering: The Mcguire Program for getting good at the Sport of Speaking.” You can have the book downloaded onto your phone in minutes if you get the Amazon Kindle app. The book will go through psychological reasons for stuttering, give you a breathing technique, and inspire you to get out and practice speaking. The program will be fear inducing but use the people closest to you for support. Keep practicing the techniques and follow what the book says. This is an amazing video of someone that pretty much completely recovered using the Dave McGuire Program! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9avSA1OHqHg Then I recommend reading “Redefining Stuttering” by John Harrison, someone who stuttered for many years and was part of the National Stuttering Association for many years. You can find a free link to the book if you google the title. If you can’t find it I will help send you a link. I was surprised to find the book for free after seeing it was sold out on Amazon.