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The Devil I Know I’ve gained so much perspective from reading the stories of others on this subreddit, I wanted to take a moment to tell my story with the hope it will help others as well. My stutter is the devil I know: it’s the demon on my back that pulls me down every second of every day, fighting me in my efforts to speak fluently… I bargain with it in my head: "just let me not stutter, just this once!!!" Then I stutter anyway, and I feel my heart sink into my gut with disappointment in myself at what I couldn’t do… the anxiety builds, just from the physical aspect of stuttering: you get all bound up with adrenaline, trying to force out words that don’t want to come, but you just have to keep talking… and hope it’s not so bad that ppl laugh at you, or say the words for you, or pat you on the shoulder while you talk in a consoling way, or just walk away… all of which have happened. all these thoughts going through my head every time I speak… and somehow I have to hold on to the message of what I want to say, and just do my best, and shoulder the disappointment when it comes. Ahh, the burden of a stutterer. I went to a speech therapist once. One session, when I was about 17. My stutter got so bad that I couldn’t even answer the phone without breaking out into a cold sweat, my heart pounding in my ears… I dealt with this overwhelming feeling of dread from the moment I woke up until I went to bed at night, wondering how many times today I’d be totally humiliated. School was the absolute worst… humiliation on a daily basis… and you had to see those ppl again, day after day, after day... my stutter got so bad that I was considering life choices that would mean I wouldn’t have to talk to ppl… my stutter was the reason why I bussed tables for so many years rather than work as a server where I could make more $$… so I went to this therapist, and just talking about it with a specialist who understood what I was dealing with, I walked out of there, and I swear I didn’t stutter for like 6 months. Using the techniques she showed me, I got over my shyness, I was able to talk to people, I had never been able to before. I had this awakening that is hard to describe, but also I felt like a part of me had died, if that makes any sense… that demon had been on my back for so many years, fighting me, forcing me to be strong when I just wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and slink away, that it felt wrong when it wasn’t there anymore…. Like I wasn’t myself, like something was missing... Then over time the magic wore off, and I started to stutter again, but I remembered the therapist mentioned this book: self therapy for the stutterer. So I bought it, and it’s helped me keep things in check ever since. Now I have it bookmarked on my browser. Every now and then when I get into a particularly bad rut and need some relief I'll read a bit of it, and it sets me straight again. I’ll always stutter… I’ve come to terms with this, and it’s not so bad. I accept it as a part of me. The devil I know… A lifetime of struggle has made me who I am, and I admit I don’t fear much in this world, bc I’ve been so conditioned to fear one thing so much, and I have to battle with it every day, everything else kinda pales in comparison. That devil has made me tough, it keeps me fighting, keeps me sharp... and in a sick way, I’m thankful for it. So I’ve made my peace with it. [Self Therapy For the Stutterer](http://www.stutteringhelp.org/portals/english/book_0012_tenth_ed.pdf)