I have a partner who stutters, but it doesn't impact his life. I, however, have a chronic illness that (on most days lately atm), stops me from doing basic tasks. All I can do is cancel plans with friends, sit in bed, and hope my body lets me stand up again tomorrow. I understand and can feel your pain, I have been and sometimes still am where you are. I also see how deflated my partner gets after a party. I feel absolutely helpless in both scenarios. You are allowed to feel miserable right now. It is a miserable situation to be in, to feel trapped in your own body, to watch others live full lives while you somehow can't. You are allowed to feel everything you're feeling. You are allowed to hit rock bottom and stay there for as long as you need to. I think saying "pick yourself up and keep going", that toxic positivity you mentioned is a very very lazy and harmful sentiment. There are many steps and mental hurdles involved in that, also "picking yourself up" or making positive progress, is not linear, at all. Mental resilience is muscle that needs training. It's not a light switch that can be turned on and off. And some days, we just want a day off training and need to cry. Just start very small. Maybe you don't need to pick yourself up. Maybe you can just crawl for now. Take yourself for a drive or go for a walk, talk to a family member about something. Maybe when you're ready to stand up, you might want to donate your time to a charity that could really use your help before you decide to leave this life. Just give yourself really small little things to do every day, get out of the house, and out of your head. You might feel a bit lighter and may want to put off leaving this life a little while longer. Death is so finite and boring. Try ending the life you have now with slow transitions, then end yourself all together. Also, don't put all your mental health eggs in one basket with therapy. I called a lifeline once, ready to jump off my balcony and she was like "what level floor do you live on, are you sure you won't just paralyse yourself?" I don't know why I just laughed so fucking hard at the ridiculousness that this random woman had my life in her hands and was so apathetic. Idk it's snapped me out of it because it was so ridiculous. Sounds lame but sometimes all I needed was to touch some grass, rather than talk about my 1000 different thoughts racing. If you decide to talk to a professional, get a good one, and don't be dishearten if you come across idiot counsellors lol 😅 We are all struggling, and we all need to support one another. 💕