Has anybody on here ever payed for female intimacy?

Has anybody on here ever payed for female intimacy? I'm sorry to ask this bc I know this is a touchy topic...but I have to ask because even though I've heard from many people seeing escorts is pathetic as a man I seriously was so fed up from my severe stutter & didn't know what I could do that I caved many times...I'm 33 now and have been in great shape throughout my late teens till now..I wasted alot of money on extreme looks maxing & buying nice clothes but when it came down to it no matter how attractive I was when I stuttered severely it was a deal breaker..I've had 1 girl friend in my whole life for a few months who didn't care..but I've never had sex with a woman without paying bc I'm horrendous at talking to people I don't know bc of the severe anxiety & stuttering...at 25 yrs old I caved in & started heavily drinking/smoking & seeing escorts alot for 5 years straight..then I stopped bc I began to feel bad about myself...If it wasn't for me giving in I would've wasted my whole youth without experiencing sex...people tell me I'm pathetic but they don't understand what a depressing nightmare a life with severe stuttering & anxiety is..when even if I work on myself to the max of my abilities I still won't make much of a difference if you sound like a retard & spit when you talk..I've tried therapy many times & different medications and nothing helped enough to keep this at bay...people I've told tell me it's pathetic & to have confidence but they don't understand what it's like in the slightest. Am I really that much of a looser for wanting to experience some form of intimacy before I get old & die?..my looks are fading already from over work & stress/depression..I don't know what I'm supposed to do considering I feel like I wasted my youth event hough I wasted time & money trying to better myself...I know for a mid 30s man I'm a complete failure because of stuttering but I tried to handle it the best I could honestly, I never asked for this life...maybe in another life I can be normal & reach my full potential if I'm fluent idk...but anyway sorry for the rant but I was feeling really down & wondering if I'm wrong to feel this way about indulging in paying for escorts bc of stuttering?..like what else is somebody like me supposed to do?..be celibate & inexperienced like a teenager my whole life?..let me know what you think