Guilty....guilty for what?? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing! If any of what I said was a little bit helpful, I am very glad. I realize it's a huge leap coming from where you are. But if can start to shift your perspective just a bit, it will continue to shift until one day you are no longer living in this doubt and fear. I think changing your behavior in these situations that you talk about, even if it is forced at first, will start to change the way you see the whole dynamic. I'm not saying suddenly it will be wonderful, no.....But it will be different from how you perceive the whole thing now. Then things build on themselves.